My sister, her husband, their baby and I were sitting in the California Pizza Kitchen. The place was packed, it was a Saturday night after all and Christmas season to boot. Holiday shoppers stopped in for a bite to eat and little girls danced around in puffy dresses with matching headbands and tights waiting to be seated.
Hell, even the restaurant showed it's own enthusiasm for holiday spirit with lights and glass balls.
"Man..." my sister started, "Christmas was way better when we were kids."
"I know" chimed her husband, "The holidays suck"
The funny this not that I agreed with them, but I knew what they were talking about. I think as adults, we all do! The 3 of us at that table, we were not cynical people (at least not overly), we were simply a group that realized that when you are a kid, Christmas is (was) magic and now it's, well, not. And that sucks.
I remember being 9 or 10 and turning off the lights except the Christmas tree and put on Amy Grant's Christmas CD and pretend ice-skated all over the living room for what felt like hours. I remember sledding in our backyard when the world was snowy white. I remember being too old to think such a thing, but not being able to stop myself from saying "Wow, Santa came!" when I saw our presents. I miss my brother shaking me awake in my bed at 5AM because his excitement about Christmas was overbearing for him. I miss sitting in bed with my sisters at 5:10AM watching a movie and eating candy out of our stockings because my parents had said "forget it, go back to bed, it's 5 in the morning! You can't open presents yet!" When we'd get bored with our movie we'd start scoping out the loot under the tree...who's present was the biggest, who had more and trying to guess what was beneath the paper.
Though Dave and I have done plenty of the years to celebrate the Christmas season, the memories in my heart will always be the ones from childhood. And we get to provide that same experience to our kids now, this is their time to learn the magic of Christmas. And P.S. mom and dad...sorry we woke you up so early, now I know you were up until 3 wrapping presents :)
I was in Target just a week ago trying to pick out Christmas cards. I picked up a box to get a closer look at what was on the cover. A snow-covered cabin with glittered ice on the trees. And inside the cabin, a yellow glow from the fire burning in the fireplace. Outside were 2 cheery looking kids, both in coats, hats, and mittens. One pulling the other on a sled. Somewhere inside me I felt a loss. What happened to those days? Did they exist? It felt like they did but I couldn't be sure.
I put the cards back, they really weren't my style anyway.
But I bet--if I had looked a little closer into that cabin, I would have seen a girl in the living room who was pretending ice-skating by the light of the Christmas tree.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
a miscarrage
I looked at my calender. 3 days late.
I was pregnant.
I knew it.
I told Dave that I was late and said "you know I'm pregnant, right?"
"We'll see"
"Ok. But I am. Just so you know."
We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant that night, had some wine and talked about how we'd tell his parents. I asked Dave to stop by the grocery store on the way home and threw a pregnancy test in the cart.
Any girl who's ever been anxious to take a pregnancy test totally disregards the "first morning pee" rule and has to know right away. I'm no exception. I didn't even take my coat off or hang up my purse. Just went straight to the bathroom.
And, well....holy shit. There were 2 lines.
I really truly was pregnant. My hands were shaking
I brought the test to Dave
The second line was light, but it was there.
Last night at dinner, we were able to laugh and joke about a second baby, I now felt like someone had tied a boulder to me.
What the hell are we going to do? I don't have a job. We don't have a big enough house. I didn't feel physically or emotionally ready to be pregnant again but it's too late for that now.
This was so different that the first time around. I instantly felt so guilty for my reaction and tried to straighten out my attitude but the more I tried to fake my excitement over this, the more miserable I felt.
I've been interning at my old office and asked for a blood test to confirm. I knew the results wouldn't be in until the following morning so I tried to relax and focus my thoughts on anything but another baby.
It didn't work...I was a nervous wreck.
I got into work as early as I could and I don't know if I even said "HI!" or "Good Morning!!" to anyone, I just had to see that test.
40. That was my beta HCG result. That wasn't good and I knew it.
That test measures the amount of pregnancy hormone in my system and though it can very widely vary from woman to woman, 40 was very dismal. Most girls who are in that same stage of pregnancy have levels in the thousands. I called my ob/gyn and discussed the next move. They advised me to make my first prenatal visit and have another blood test drawn in several days.
"It's so early" they said. "Give your hormone levels time to increase"
It wasn't a few days after that that I started to spot, which got heavier with the passing days and I knew it was happening. We lost the pregnancy.
Getting pregnant again was a big surprise to Dave and I. We didn't expect it to happen again so soon even though we don't use protection and figured it would happen sooner or later (we were expecting later!).
I still feel very guilty for not embracing it with the same excitement that I did when I was pregnant with Anna. And Dave and I's policy has always been that we'd take the blessing of another child when it was given to us. With such confidence and arrogance we'd say that!
I admit it, I had to eat a little crow on this one. I realized for myself that I'm NOT READY for another baby and this has been what I needed to realize that and to be comfortable with making that decision.
There are some days that I'm sad about it but I think that's the mother in me that though what I lost was merely a clump of cells, I still feel like I failed someone. But mostly I feel like I can take a huge sigh of relief.
Dave and I say how thankful we are that it happened when it did. If we had made it to that first sonogram appointment and seen the heartbeat and lost it, we'd be in a much worse state and it breaks my heart when I hear of that kind of loss. But this wasn't like that and I'm very thankful. This has helped Dave and I organize some priorities so we can be READY! next time we see that second line :)
I was pregnant.
I knew it.
I told Dave that I was late and said "you know I'm pregnant, right?"
"We'll see"
"Ok. But I am. Just so you know."
We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant that night, had some wine and talked about how we'd tell his parents. I asked Dave to stop by the grocery store on the way home and threw a pregnancy test in the cart.
Any girl who's ever been anxious to take a pregnancy test totally disregards the "first morning pee" rule and has to know right away. I'm no exception. I didn't even take my coat off or hang up my purse. Just went straight to the bathroom.
And, well....holy shit. There were 2 lines.
I really truly was pregnant. My hands were shaking
I brought the test to Dave
The second line was light, but it was there.
Last night at dinner, we were able to laugh and joke about a second baby, I now felt like someone had tied a boulder to me.
What the hell are we going to do? I don't have a job. We don't have a big enough house. I didn't feel physically or emotionally ready to be pregnant again but it's too late for that now.
This was so different that the first time around. I instantly felt so guilty for my reaction and tried to straighten out my attitude but the more I tried to fake my excitement over this, the more miserable I felt.
I've been interning at my old office and asked for a blood test to confirm. I knew the results wouldn't be in until the following morning so I tried to relax and focus my thoughts on anything but another baby.
It didn't work...I was a nervous wreck.
I got into work as early as I could and I don't know if I even said "HI!" or "Good Morning!!" to anyone, I just had to see that test.
40. That was my beta HCG result. That wasn't good and I knew it.
That test measures the amount of pregnancy hormone in my system and though it can very widely vary from woman to woman, 40 was very dismal. Most girls who are in that same stage of pregnancy have levels in the thousands. I called my ob/gyn and discussed the next move. They advised me to make my first prenatal visit and have another blood test drawn in several days.
"It's so early" they said. "Give your hormone levels time to increase"
It wasn't a few days after that that I started to spot, which got heavier with the passing days and I knew it was happening. We lost the pregnancy.
Getting pregnant again was a big surprise to Dave and I. We didn't expect it to happen again so soon even though we don't use protection and figured it would happen sooner or later (we were expecting later!).
I still feel very guilty for not embracing it with the same excitement that I did when I was pregnant with Anna. And Dave and I's policy has always been that we'd take the blessing of another child when it was given to us. With such confidence and arrogance we'd say that!
I admit it, I had to eat a little crow on this one. I realized for myself that I'm NOT READY for another baby and this has been what I needed to realize that and to be comfortable with making that decision.
There are some days that I'm sad about it but I think that's the mother in me that though what I lost was merely a clump of cells, I still feel like I failed someone. But mostly I feel like I can take a huge sigh of relief.
Dave and I say how thankful we are that it happened when it did. If we had made it to that first sonogram appointment and seen the heartbeat and lost it, we'd be in a much worse state and it breaks my heart when I hear of that kind of loss. But this wasn't like that and I'm very thankful. This has helped Dave and I organize some priorities so we can be READY! next time we see that second line :)
Monday, October 15, 2012
Eva's Infertility Journey
Eva is my sister so naturally, her story has a great impact on me. I was so happy to hear when she found out she was pregnant. She and James are amazingly wonderful, creative and caring people and that makes them amazing, wonderful, creative and caring parents. I am so lucky to have been a part of Parker's birth and Eva and I talk all the time about how great it is that our families get to grow up together. Can't wait to see what's in the future for these 3!
Warning: I've been "blessed" with the gift of gab so I hope you don't have to poop. If you do, I hope you are reading this on a mobile device. Now, let's get started.
Warning: I've been "blessed" with the gift of gab so I hope you don't have to poop. If you do, I hope you are reading this on a mobile device. Now, let's get started.
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| 34 weeks |
I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and will give birth to my son a month before my life clock strikes 25. I've been with my husband since I graduated high school and we will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary in just a few weeks. Our pregnancy may seem perfectly timed and well planned, but nothing in my world is ever planned or on time. I could bore you with 3+ years worth of stories but they all end with my peeing on a stick then immediately wanted to devour a carton of chocolate ice cream due to sadness. James and I knew that we wanted to enjoy married life before bringing a baby into the mix but we also knew that with my PCOS a baby would take time. So we threw precaution to the wind (by that i mean my nuva ring and the little wooden box that housed the condoms) and just went for the gold....for over 3 years. I never tried to stress about it. I didn't check my temp, I didn't make sex all about pregnancy and I didn't put a lot of pressure on myself or James. I just let it happen. This went on for longer than we expected.
Things really started to get rough for us almost a year and a half ago. Things had gotten bad, really bad, like I was living with my sister bad. I thought it was over. I had more than failed as a wife, I didn't deserve a second chance but I got one and it changed my life. James and I decided to pick up the pieces and fit them back together. I will never forgot the moment he told me that no matter what happened between us, his regret would be that we never had a baby. That even if we weren't together I was the person he wanted to mother his children. I think that's when I realized how much this issue was weighing on us. I took action. I had been seeing a horrible doctor who wasn't any help to our situation. He sucked. A lot. So after Ericka told me all about Gildy, I knew I had to see him. I knew that he was what we were looking for. After lots of work in our relationship, James and I decided it was sink or swim and by golly we wanted swimmers...lots of them...racing towards my uterus.
I called G's office (which was the same office that the horrible doctor worked for) and begged them to let me switch. I was elated when I was given the go ahead. Gildner decided the best option for me was to try Clomid and just like that, Parker was created. I will never forget how disappointed I was even when I did my ovulation tests. You do several in the month and you KNOW that only 1-2 will show a faint positive but seeing all the negatives just brought me back to that horrible place that every girl who deals with this issue is way to familiar with. The day I had a positive read on my ovulation test I straight up told my boss that I was leaving work as soon as I closed up shop because I had to go home and have sex with my husband. Thank God I did.
Fast forward a few weeks. It's 3 or 4 in the morning and James and I are going at it (not in the kinky way). I don't think I'd ever been so mad in my entire life. Thinking back, I have no clue why we were fighting. I think the stress had just taken over. I was nuts. I finally fell asleep (still livid) and I woke up 3 hours later. I was wide awake, I jumped out of bed and thought back in how crazy I had been just hours before. I knew it then. I didn't need the test. In fact I wouldn't have taken it if I wasn't sure. I knew something about me had to have been different in order for me to be THAT crazy. There is was...the positive I had waited so long to see.
.JPG) |
| HELL YES, POSITIVE! |
James and I decided to go ahead and share the good news. I didn't want to wait the suggested time frame. I knew it was a risk but I thought that if anything were to happen I didn't know if I would be strong enough to do all this again so I wanted to celebrate every single moment of my baby's life. It's not for everyone, but I'm glad we told people when we did. I've been beyond blessed with many supportive friends and family.
It wasn't until after I was pregnant that I realized my infertility frustrations didn't just end. I figured since I was pregnant, it wouldn't bother me anymore. Wrong. I still get pissy when I see people with these beautiful children and they say things like "if you don't shut up, I'm gonna beat your ass" or hearing about people aborting the one thing that I would have done anything to have. It's still an open wound and I think it always will be. It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I stopped stressing about losing my son. I know every mother does this, and i cant say for sure, but i think its more intense when you've dealt with years of infertility. I was so terrified that something would happen and Parker wouldn't make it.
I decided that I didn't want to let the fear stop me from enjoying this time so I did what every mom does, I bought my baby all the best stuff my money could buy and acted like nothing could go wrong. I've been very lucky to have had zero complications and a big healthy baby thus far. It's been a long hard journey that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. At the end of the day I honesty believe the best thing anyone can do in this situation is just try to relax (and put a pillow under your hips after sex when you're ovulating) It's hard and the emotional battles are terrible, BUT, stress will only add to the mess. As much as it pains me to say, I'm glad it didn't happen earlier. Me being pregnant and having a baby before this very moment wasn't part of the plan. I have been able to enjoy 6 years of "selfish" time with my husband and it's been a great 6 years.
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| James and I on our wedding day |
Update: I'm horrible with getting things done on time. Since I wrote this, I have given birth to the sweetest, most darling little boy I have ever seen. I was blessed with a quick and "easy" delivery. (Easy in comparison to several other deliveries I know of, but its never really easy)
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| Parker Miles Rundgren Ferry September 30, 2012 7lbs, 8oz 21inches |
Monday, October 8, 2012
call me cheap! (my favorite money-savers)
Honestly, David and are not at the top of anyone's "most frugal families" list. We make impulse purchases for ourselves and much more frequent, more impulsive purchases for Anna.
(Confession: I am addicted to babysteals.com. Twice a day, at 9&9 they reveal a "steal" that is generally 55% or better off retail value. I can't even tell you how much worthless junk totally necessary things I have bought that Anna has NEEDED) Sweet. sweet David has tried to put me on a monthly BS budget but I just can't deal with it. Not because I don't respect him trying to put limits on me, but because I'm so good at convincing me first, then him that we simply cannot survive without the 2-pack Kid Kizoo coolies.
After all, how can I expect the milk (that Anna never drinks) to stay cold (I use insulated cups) for long enough without them???
But the truth is, we have fallen on more frugal times these last few months. I've been going to school and we are living off David's income. We are by no means poverty-stricken but we have had to be more judicious in some of our spending and I wanted to blog about some of the things that I choose not to spend more money on.
1. Make-up
I've never been too interested in make-up and that's a good thing because when I go into Sephora, I could easily spend several hundred bones on just a few pieces.
My sister, Eva, has a theory which I totally agree with. She says "mascara is usually the only thing I wear so I feel ok about investing in a good tube"
Together, we can comment on every brand available. We've tried them all, from Revlon to Dior but I have to say that Wet'n'Wild MegaLength mascara from Dollar General is my favorite. I see no difference between that $2 tube and a $30 tube.
2. Diapers
We use cloth diapers here at the Hine House!!! I never intended on converting Anna, but I did when she was about 6 months old. I saw a Steal (surprise!) one day and that 60% off price got me all dizzy and I ordered 2 cloth diapers and got hooked!
I want to say that cloth diapers can come with a HUGE start-up cost. There are all kinds of brands and styles that can run from just a few bucks to $25 per diaper. I can guess that I've invested about $250 into cloth diapering but we're down to using maybe 2-3 disposable diapers a week. Cloth diapering is easier and cleaner than you think and we are thrilled that every time we use cloth, we are keeping those nasty disposables out of the landfills.
3. Laundry
Everyone should do this. Everyone! Laundry soap is such a ripoff!!
It's been a long time since any Tide as been at our house. We switched years ago to eco-friendly laundry soap but got fed up quickly at the price and brand availability. So....I found a recipe and started to make my own!
1 bar of soap (Fels Naphta or other) grated and dissolved into 4 cups of boiling water
1/2 cup Borax (found in any department store in the laundry/cleaning section)
1 cup washing soda (if you are around Springfield, I could only find this a ShopnSave...weird. Also, baking soda and washing soda are NOT the same thing)
1 5-gallon bucket (found in any hardware store)
Fill your bucket with 3 gallons of water, add in your Borax and washing soda and stir, pour in the melted soap mixture and stir again. Pop on the bucket lid and leave it overnight and guess what....you're done!!!
It's so easy and cheap to do this! If you have to buy everything, you'll spend about $10-15 and that will last you a year I bet! It's safe for HE washers too. If you want to, you can add a few drops of scented oil to give it a nice smell. It looks like snot but it works great!
4. Goodwill
This is one that I still am working on, but when I do it, I can't imagine doing anything different.
I hate spending a lot of money on clothes for Anna. True, I have been places and saw a $25 shirt that was too cute to pass up but for the most part, I shop second-hand for my babe.
There are lots of consignment stores in town and I've been in them all but let me tell ya, you guys....if you think you are saving $$$ by hitting consignment stores, you may want to cruise by the Goodwill in Chatham. I have found way nicer things there and cheaper too than the consignment stores. And consistently, may I add! And I don't feel like losing my shit if she stains something :)
5. Childcare
Make sure you live close to your family so you don't have to pay babysitters!
(THANK YOU to ALL our family members!!!!!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!)
6. Diva Cup
***EXTREME GROSS-OUT***
***EWWWWW!!!!!!!***
***PERIOD TALK!!!***
I was frequenting my all-time favorite baby store in STL, Cotton Babies. Dave and I were just browsing and I saw this thing on the shelf...a Diva Cup. What is a Diva Cup you ask? It is a small silicone cup that girls can use when it's P-time.
After I had Anna, I was having a hard time using tampons. They were uncomfortable and my first several periods post-baby were DISGUSTING...clotty and very heavy bleeding. I'd use both a super tampon and a regular pad and I'd bleed through it all in 2 hours. My bathroom looked like a crime scene. I lost 2 pairs of sheets.
So I saw this Diva Cup and thought I'd give it a try and I LOVE it. It's not difficult to get in or out and when I use it, I can't tell that it's there at all. Per product advertisement, it can be worn up to 12 hours at a time and though I've never left it in that long, I have left it in for 5+ hours with no problem or leaks. It's reusable and doesn't contain any harsh chemicals.
They are sold in 2 sizes, determining factor is if you've had a baby or not.
They are about $35 which is a little $$$ compared to a box of Tampax but worth the investment!! I haven't bought a box of tampons for 6 months!!
Monday, October 1, 2012
hormones, depression and all those other things no one likes to talk about
Fyi, I'm writing this through tears today. Just one of those days...
So last night, something very great happened. My sister Eva had her baby boy and it was amazing to see him come into the word. She has not yet shared a picture of him so I won't either but take my word for it, he is very adorable and tiny and adorable. Very adorable.
I don't know what ya'll do when someone in your family has a baby but in our family it's an all day event. We selfishly occupy every seat in the Memorial waiting room. We're loud, we order pizza, we play games. We get there early in the morning and stay until the baby is born, love on the newest member of our family then go home. So last night on our drive home, Dave and I were talking about how cute Parker is and Dave says to me "come on, holding him didn't make you want another baby?" That's his thing now, he's ready for another and I am, well, not.
As usual, I want to be honest about the matters I blog about but this subject is at the top of my scary list so please don't make fun of me.
Also, I'm going to talk about my period now so leave if you want.
I totally had the baby blues in the hospital the first few days after Anna was born. I cried because I had to move into a different room and cried when I got the new room because the nurses had witnessed my first breakdown when they came to help me move and put a picture frame in the new room to cheer me up. I cried when Dave's parents called to ask if they could bring Panera soup up to the room for us. I cried when Anna cried because I had, on accident, caught some of her skin between a shirt snap when we were getting her dressed to go home. I cried in the car the entire way home because I didn't want Dave to go back to work in a week. I cried when any home visitors hugged me, made me dinner or asked if I needed anything.
So last night, something very great happened. My sister Eva had her baby boy and it was amazing to see him come into the word. She has not yet shared a picture of him so I won't either but take my word for it, he is very adorable and tiny and adorable. Very adorable.
I don't know what ya'll do when someone in your family has a baby but in our family it's an all day event. We selfishly occupy every seat in the Memorial waiting room. We're loud, we order pizza, we play games. We get there early in the morning and stay until the baby is born, love on the newest member of our family then go home. So last night on our drive home, Dave and I were talking about how cute Parker is and Dave says to me "come on, holding him didn't make you want another baby?" That's his thing now, he's ready for another and I am, well, not.
As usual, I want to be honest about the matters I blog about but this subject is at the top of my scary list so please don't make fun of me.
Also, I'm going to talk about my period now so leave if you want.
I totally had the baby blues in the hospital the first few days after Anna was born. I cried because I had to move into a different room and cried when I got the new room because the nurses had witnessed my first breakdown when they came to help me move and put a picture frame in the new room to cheer me up. I cried when Dave's parents called to ask if they could bring Panera soup up to the room for us. I cried when Anna cried because I had, on accident, caught some of her skin between a shirt snap when we were getting her dressed to go home. I cried in the car the entire way home because I didn't want Dave to go back to work in a week. I cried when any home visitors hugged me, made me dinner or asked if I needed anything.
I
WAS
A
M E S S
Then when Anna was about 2 weeks old....poof! It just stopped. I felt normal, I felt like I was the mom that dreams were made of and Anna was a golden child who was the absolute picture of perfection. We lived the simple, happy life for a long time. Anna was (and still is) an amazing sleeper. She slept all night long from the get-go. She woke up a handful of times, had a bottle and went right back to sleep. Not bad for a breastfed baby, eh? I was a pumping champ, always stayed right on schedule and had an amazing supply.
Then winter hit (figuratively and literally speaking) 6 months later
I had a bad week that week. No particular reason. I was on my way to work one morning and was just thinking how shitty I felt and that I'd rather skip work. I stopped by my mom's house so she could watch Anna for the day. Just like every mom, all my mom had to do was take one look at me and knew there was something upsetting me and asked what was wrong and I lost it on her. Crying, wailing, choking sobs and all. I called work, told them I was not coming and hung out at my mom's house. Nothing is better than your momma when you don't feel well...even when you're 30.
I had a true anxiety attack when it was time for me to head home at the end of the day. I can't say why but I was scared to go home. Dave took good care of me though, don't worry. I went to sleep that night and tried to put a bad day behind me.
I woke up the next morning and just cried and cried and cried. As soon as my eyes were open. I couldn't get out of bed that morning. Dave stayed home from work, he was scared and worried about me and honestly I was worried too. I was in such a bad place mentally because I had no idea what was wrong with me. You would have thought that my baby died. We both figured it was post-partum depression. Dave called my doctor and made me an appointment to talk about medication options.
I was limited on what I could take because I was still breastfeeding and Zoloft is what I tried. I took it for about 2 months and took myself off (NOT ADVISABLE) a little at a time. It did nothing but make me feel like I was emotionally flatlined. No thanks, not for me.
And then, to my surprise, I got my first post baby period. It was about 1-2 weeks after my complete can't-get-out-of-bed mental breakdown. I wasn't expecting it because I was still nursing but there it was and I tell ya, it was a real bitch! I called my OB because I knew I was hemorrhaging. (I wasn't)
I talked to other girls and some had experienced really horrible ones like I had and some didn't. I think it's important to note that when offered birth control pills at my 4-week PP visit, I DECLINED. I think normal, sane girls get on something fairly soon after baby is born but I happen to think bcp's are horrible and unless I needed to take them to save my life, I steer clear.
My point is ( I think I still have one) that I still think that my hormones are wildly out of wack. Thanks to a period tracker app, I'm starting to see a pattern of very very bad PMS (mood swings, depression, anxiety) about 1 week before my period comes. And though I stopped nursing in April, I still get the occasional milk leak. To me, that's just one more sign that maybe I don't feel normal because my body is indeed not back to normal. This is all very frustrating to me because most of the time, my behavior is about 35-40% anxiety-based which means that not only do I feel like garbage, I have these worries that I will always feel like garbage.
Now I'm going to bring ya full circle.
Dave is ready for another baby. And let me tell you, I have the cream of the crop when it comes to having an excellent partner in this parenting thing. Dave is hands down the best dad ever, I know everyone thinks that theirs is better and that's fine with me....you can still tell your husband he is the best but KNOW that mine tops yours :)
But I'm not ready. I don't know if I will ever be because I am terrified of being the sobbing, worried, weeping mother to another baby. I think babies deserve physically and mentally healthy moms and I just don't think that I'm there yet.
If you like to pray or sing songs or think happy thoughts, please remember me the next time you do. It is an absolutely hard place to be where I am. And anyone that you know who is going through the same thing would appreciate it too.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
DeAnna's Infertility Story
I was so glad that DeAnna wanted to share her story with us here at MommyDisaster. To know DeAnna is to love her and though infertility brought her and her husband, Tim, very trying times, she maintained an optimistic outlook and never gave up hope. She was a great encouragement to me during my own dark days of infertility and I know that her story will lift your spirits!
Hi, I am DeAnna and I am a infertile, who blogs over at Grateful for Giggling Girls. They say the first step in overcoming something is admitting the problem....I however have admitted I am an infertile a whole lot of times and am pretty sure it hasn't changed LOL!! Ericka is trying to keep it real over here at Mommy Disaster so I am going to just lay it all out for you the good, the bad and the ugly so here we go!
I was diagnosed with PCOS at 17 and put on birth control, which made me feel much better, and metformin, which helped me lose a little bit of weight, so I continued on my happy path, met my husband, got married and decided to throw out the birth control a few months later. I had been warned that with how severe my PCOS was, getting pregnant would probably prove difficult and that we should try while I was young because our chances were higher. They also told me that I needed to try for six months without help and then they would start to do something for us.
So we did that 6 months, lots of sex (because hey we were newlyweds!) and nothing happened, so the wonderful Dr. Gildner put me on clomid for six months, and again nothing happened so he referred me to The Reproductive Endocrinologist of Springfield where we met Dr. MaryAnn McRae and her AMAZING staff!! At this point in time we had been trying for right around a year, I was not discouraged because I just figured somehow someone would get me a baby, I was pretty naive as to what would come! Dr. McRae ran a bunch of tests. She did Tim's sperm count and internal sonograms, blood work and a post coital test. Oh what is that you might ask? That my friends is where you wake up, have planned sex and then go in and they take a sample off your cervix to see if your cervical mucus is killing your hubby's sperm. MORTIFIED! And to think I figured it couldn't get any worse! She confirmed the PCOS and developed a game plan. She upped the dose of clomid to the max that is allowed and then I came in once or twice a week to watch the follicles develop.
We did five cycles of this and it never induced ovulation. I was crushed and emotionally it all started to take its toll. Clomid made me ugly acting and I swear the only reason Tim handled it so well was that we were still in the newlywed stage so he just thought this was the person he had really married! I kept up a good front and remained very optimistic for the most part, but there were days where I buried my head in my pillow and sobbed and got mad, where I threw the stupid basal thermometer against the wall and wanted to crumple up the temperature and sex chart.
Infertility strips you of all privacy. They know everything about you. They track how often you have sex, tell you when you can't have it and what days to make sure you don't miss having it....You have to make sure and do it at the exact time they tell you, EVEN if at that very moment the Clomid is making you HATE your husband! LOL!
So, the clomid wasn't working, they decided to move me to the follistim injections, and I cried. I didn't want to have to do the shots. I didn't want to believe I was THAT infertile. It was about this time in our journey that I begin to have a lot of questions about God and how he felt about my infertility, because this journey not only tested every aspect of our marriage, it tests every corner of your faith.
I am a Christian, and being infertile is a pretty taboo subject in general, but it is definitely something hardly ever talked about in the church.... I found a Christian book on the subject and read and spent time talking to members at my church. I believed in my heart that God approved of my seeking help to get pregnant but I wanted confirmation. It was at this time that one of my mentors pulled me aside and said a sentence that would forever change my view on infertility and the church. She said "DeAnna, if you were sick with cancer would you seek the help of an oncologist?” I of course said “yes.” She said “If you had diabetes would you use insulin to help stabilize you?” I again said “yes.” She said ”God has given doctors the ability to heal, the ability to create medicines and the knowledge to know how to use them. Seeking out medical help to achieve pregnancy is no different. You could do it all and never get a baby, just like you could do chemo and never be healed. He is the giver of life and always will be, seeking medical help doesn't change that.”
I moved forward and never looked back! I knew there were a few things I wouldn't choose to do if it came time to make those choices. We would never choose to do a selective reduction if we got multiples but all of that is for a different blog! So we began the follistim shots. The first two cycles failed and I was heartbroken. Then we found out Tim's insurance was changing and it was going to cost us $1,000.00 dollars out of pocket each month if we wanted to continue. So we ordered one more months supply before the deductibles changed and we jumped in with both feet. I grew four follicles that cycle, and I ovulated them all. We did another IUI, which is where they put Tim's cleaned up spiffy swimmers into me with a catheter, and we waited on a wing and a prayer.
Two weeks passed and I started spotting. I went in for a blood test and it came back positive, but it was a very low positive so they told us not to get excited (ummm yeah right!) I hit my knees, praying harder than I had ever prayed in my whole life. Three days later we went in for another test. The numbers had increased but not the right amount. They said we were probably pregnant but it was looking like the pregnancy may not be a viable one. I refused to give up hope, and I believed this baby was going to be strong enough to make it. We went in for a sonogram at five weeks…..there was a sac but no baby. But, my numbers were still rising…slowly at best. We went in at six weeks and there was a baby but no heart beat which they said meant a miscarriage was probably going to take place. We went in at seven weeks and there she was in all her glory with a beating heart!! There was never a sweeter sound!! The doctor discovered that this baby was the result of a fifth egg that was released days after the other eggs, and implanted later which was what was causing all the weird numbers.
Carleigh Lou Gasen was born on January 13th 2006, 3 years and 3 months after we started our treatment journey to her!!! One day after I brought her home I went to the refrigerator and there stood the case for my shots, I opened it up and what I found gave me Goosebumps. There was only one dose of the final vial of medicine left! God gave us our miracle and He never gave us more than we could handle!! He knew we would never be able to afford $1,000.00 per month deductibles. He was in control the whole time!
I wish I could say our journey ended there but it definitely didn't! For part 2, join me over at Grateful for Giggling Girls to see what the journey to Carleigh's little sister looked like! I never dreamed it would be harder or filled with more heartbreak than the journey to Carleigh was, but I was very wrong...........
Hi, I am DeAnna and I am a infertile, who blogs over at Grateful for Giggling Girls. They say the first step in overcoming something is admitting the problem....I however have admitted I am an infertile a whole lot of times and am pretty sure it hasn't changed LOL!! Ericka is trying to keep it real over here at Mommy Disaster so I am going to just lay it all out for you the good, the bad and the ugly so here we go!
I was diagnosed with PCOS at 17 and put on birth control, which made me feel much better, and metformin, which helped me lose a little bit of weight, so I continued on my happy path, met my husband, got married and decided to throw out the birth control a few months later. I had been warned that with how severe my PCOS was, getting pregnant would probably prove difficult and that we should try while I was young because our chances were higher. They also told me that I needed to try for six months without help and then they would start to do something for us.
So we did that 6 months, lots of sex (because hey we were newlyweds!) and nothing happened, so the wonderful Dr. Gildner put me on clomid for six months, and again nothing happened so he referred me to The Reproductive Endocrinologist of Springfield where we met Dr. MaryAnn McRae and her AMAZING staff!! At this point in time we had been trying for right around a year, I was not discouraged because I just figured somehow someone would get me a baby, I was pretty naive as to what would come! Dr. McRae ran a bunch of tests. She did Tim's sperm count and internal sonograms, blood work and a post coital test. Oh what is that you might ask? That my friends is where you wake up, have planned sex and then go in and they take a sample off your cervix to see if your cervical mucus is killing your hubby's sperm. MORTIFIED! And to think I figured it couldn't get any worse! She confirmed the PCOS and developed a game plan. She upped the dose of clomid to the max that is allowed and then I came in once or twice a week to watch the follicles develop.
We did five cycles of this and it never induced ovulation. I was crushed and emotionally it all started to take its toll. Clomid made me ugly acting and I swear the only reason Tim handled it so well was that we were still in the newlywed stage so he just thought this was the person he had really married! I kept up a good front and remained very optimistic for the most part, but there were days where I buried my head in my pillow and sobbed and got mad, where I threw the stupid basal thermometer against the wall and wanted to crumple up the temperature and sex chart.
Infertility strips you of all privacy. They know everything about you. They track how often you have sex, tell you when you can't have it and what days to make sure you don't miss having it....You have to make sure and do it at the exact time they tell you, EVEN if at that very moment the Clomid is making you HATE your husband! LOL!
So, the clomid wasn't working, they decided to move me to the follistim injections, and I cried. I didn't want to have to do the shots. I didn't want to believe I was THAT infertile. It was about this time in our journey that I begin to have a lot of questions about God and how he felt about my infertility, because this journey not only tested every aspect of our marriage, it tests every corner of your faith.
I am a Christian, and being infertile is a pretty taboo subject in general, but it is definitely something hardly ever talked about in the church.... I found a Christian book on the subject and read and spent time talking to members at my church. I believed in my heart that God approved of my seeking help to get pregnant but I wanted confirmation. It was at this time that one of my mentors pulled me aside and said a sentence that would forever change my view on infertility and the church. She said "DeAnna, if you were sick with cancer would you seek the help of an oncologist?” I of course said “yes.” She said “If you had diabetes would you use insulin to help stabilize you?” I again said “yes.” She said ”God has given doctors the ability to heal, the ability to create medicines and the knowledge to know how to use them. Seeking out medical help to achieve pregnancy is no different. You could do it all and never get a baby, just like you could do chemo and never be healed. He is the giver of life and always will be, seeking medical help doesn't change that.”
I moved forward and never looked back! I knew there were a few things I wouldn't choose to do if it came time to make those choices. We would never choose to do a selective reduction if we got multiples but all of that is for a different blog! So we began the follistim shots. The first two cycles failed and I was heartbroken. Then we found out Tim's insurance was changing and it was going to cost us $1,000.00 dollars out of pocket each month if we wanted to continue. So we ordered one more months supply before the deductibles changed and we jumped in with both feet. I grew four follicles that cycle, and I ovulated them all. We did another IUI, which is where they put Tim's cleaned up spiffy swimmers into me with a catheter, and we waited on a wing and a prayer.
Two weeks passed and I started spotting. I went in for a blood test and it came back positive, but it was a very low positive so they told us not to get excited (ummm yeah right!) I hit my knees, praying harder than I had ever prayed in my whole life. Three days later we went in for another test. The numbers had increased but not the right amount. They said we were probably pregnant but it was looking like the pregnancy may not be a viable one. I refused to give up hope, and I believed this baby was going to be strong enough to make it. We went in for a sonogram at five weeks…..there was a sac but no baby. But, my numbers were still rising…slowly at best. We went in at six weeks and there was a baby but no heart beat which they said meant a miscarriage was probably going to take place. We went in at seven weeks and there she was in all her glory with a beating heart!! There was never a sweeter sound!! The doctor discovered that this baby was the result of a fifth egg that was released days after the other eggs, and implanted later which was what was causing all the weird numbers.
Carleigh Lou Gasen was born on January 13th 2006, 3 years and 3 months after we started our treatment journey to her!!! One day after I brought her home I went to the refrigerator and there stood the case for my shots, I opened it up and what I found gave me Goosebumps. There was only one dose of the final vial of medicine left! God gave us our miracle and He never gave us more than we could handle!! He knew we would never be able to afford $1,000.00 per month deductibles. He was in control the whole time!
I wish I could say our journey ended there but it definitely didn't! For part 2, join me over at Grateful for Giggling Girls to see what the journey to Carleigh's little sister looked like! I never dreamed it would be harder or filled with more heartbreak than the journey to Carleigh was, but I was very wrong...........
Friday, August 24, 2012
my infertility story
In the wake of Anna's first birthday, it seems to be a good time to share my infertility story.
But first, my beautiful girl
Every frustration, tear shed, fight with David, and internal struggle was worth it. She's definitely the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!
So surprise, surprise David and I were sleeping together long before we were married. Sorry, mom. We were both in our later 20's, knew we were going to get married and neither one of us opposed the idea of having a baby...now so we threw caution (that means condoms! HA!) to the wind.
One year later, nothing. (except getting engaged)
Two years later, nothing. (except getting married)
I decided to go talk to my OB/GYN. He was no help, told me I was not infertile and to start some birth control. Now, I haven't graduated from med school but I think birth control works against getting pregnant.....
Thanks for nothing, you ass.
I starting going to my other dr, Dr. Google and read up on infertility and herbal supplements that encourage pregnancy, changed my diet and starting walking every day to eliminate some of the stress that I knew was building up over this baby thing.
Year three, nothing.
I do want to say that obviously, after 3 years of trying to get pregnant, the idea of infertility treatments came up several times between David and I. Certainly we had put in our time trying and would have no trouble being referred by PCP but I could never figure out how I felt about medical intervention at that level. I knew that the Lord was very much aware of our desire to have a baby and felt very drawn to and spoken to to wait. To have faith in a plan that is much better than my own, even though it was definitely not going to happen on my timetable. I talked to many, many people about what I was feeling in regards to treatment and as it turns out, may friends had gone through their own fertility treatments and I was happy for them! They made decisions that they were very comfortable with and got beautiful babies. It just wasn't something for David and I.
I did all the same things that someone who is trying to get pregnant does. I took about 5 pregnancy tests a month (because I refused to believe that I was really getting my period...I mean, there is a chance that it's implantation bleeding!) and stared at an obviously negative test, willing it to be positive. I cried when David didn't want to have sex, I cried when someone came into the office to get a blood test to confirm pregnancy, I cried watching all the baby shows on tv. I was very, uh...emotional. To say the least.
In December of 2010, I planned a trip to Chicago for David's birthday. The night before we left, I remembered that I was supposed to start my period several days ago and had not yet. I ran up to the store to buy a test and thought "YES!!!! I'm finally pregnant, it's a great time to find out! I'll tell Dave in Chicago and he'll be so happy and we'll walk the snow-covered sidewalks mitten in mitten and life is going to be GRAND!!"
big.fat.negative.
I lost my shit. I had done this for too long, been disappointed over too many tests, tired of wondering if David would still love me if I wasn't going to be able to have the family we both wanted so bad, tried of everyone asking when we were going to have kids.
I drove to the gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes and sat outside my front door and cried my little heart out.
We left for Chicago the next morning and we had an awful time. I was pissed and crabby and kept picking fights with Dave. It was freezing cold, neither of us packed enough warm things to wear. It was hands down, the most awful time we had together.
A week later, I still had not started. We were at the grocery store and I asked David if I should buy another test. He sighed that heavy sigh which I knew meant "it's going to be negative, it's always negative and I can't deal with you being disappointed one more time because I might murder your overly-emotional ass" but said to get it.
That night, I found out I was pregnant.
The rest is history, the rest is Anna and I can't believe that I have a 1-year old. Infertility was a huge struggle for us. It tested both of our patients and it tested our marriage in many ways. If I had to do it all over again (who says I won't have to anyway!?) I would be more open about it. I didn't like to talk about my inability to get pregnant because I thought it would bring more pressure into the situation or worse...pity. I would take more time to focus on the things I already had...a great husband and the freedom to do what we wanted when we wanted to do it without having to find a sitter. Infertility also made my faith stronger and taught me how to listen to God and wait for His blessings. And He brought us only the cutest!
But first, my beautiful girl
 |
| Happy Birthday, Anna Elizabeth Hine! Born August 18, 2011 at 1:24am 6lbs 14oz and 20 inches of adorable, kissable cuteness |
Every frustration, tear shed, fight with David, and internal struggle was worth it. She's definitely the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!
So surprise, surprise David and I were sleeping together long before we were married. Sorry, mom. We were both in our later 20's, knew we were going to get married and neither one of us opposed the idea of having a baby...now so we threw caution (that means condoms! HA!) to the wind.
One year later, nothing. (except getting engaged)
Two years later, nothing. (except getting married)
I decided to go talk to my OB/GYN. He was no help, told me I was not infertile and to start some birth control. Now, I haven't graduated from med school but I think birth control works against getting pregnant.....
Thanks for nothing, you ass.
I starting going to my other dr, Dr. Google and read up on infertility and herbal supplements that encourage pregnancy, changed my diet and starting walking every day to eliminate some of the stress that I knew was building up over this baby thing.
Year three, nothing.
I do want to say that obviously, after 3 years of trying to get pregnant, the idea of infertility treatments came up several times between David and I. Certainly we had put in our time trying and would have no trouble being referred by PCP but I could never figure out how I felt about medical intervention at that level. I knew that the Lord was very much aware of our desire to have a baby and felt very drawn to and spoken to to wait. To have faith in a plan that is much better than my own, even though it was definitely not going to happen on my timetable. I talked to many, many people about what I was feeling in regards to treatment and as it turns out, may friends had gone through their own fertility treatments and I was happy for them! They made decisions that they were very comfortable with and got beautiful babies. It just wasn't something for David and I.
I did all the same things that someone who is trying to get pregnant does. I took about 5 pregnancy tests a month (because I refused to believe that I was really getting my period...I mean, there is a chance that it's implantation bleeding!) and stared at an obviously negative test, willing it to be positive. I cried when David didn't want to have sex, I cried when someone came into the office to get a blood test to confirm pregnancy, I cried watching all the baby shows on tv. I was very, uh...emotional. To say the least.
In December of 2010, I planned a trip to Chicago for David's birthday. The night before we left, I remembered that I was supposed to start my period several days ago and had not yet. I ran up to the store to buy a test and thought "YES!!!! I'm finally pregnant, it's a great time to find out! I'll tell Dave in Chicago and he'll be so happy and we'll walk the snow-covered sidewalks mitten in mitten and life is going to be GRAND!!"
big.fat.negative.
I lost my shit. I had done this for too long, been disappointed over too many tests, tired of wondering if David would still love me if I wasn't going to be able to have the family we both wanted so bad, tried of everyone asking when we were going to have kids.
I drove to the gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes and sat outside my front door and cried my little heart out.
We left for Chicago the next morning and we had an awful time. I was pissed and crabby and kept picking fights with Dave. It was freezing cold, neither of us packed enough warm things to wear. It was hands down, the most awful time we had together.
A week later, I still had not started. We were at the grocery store and I asked David if I should buy another test. He sighed that heavy sigh which I knew meant "it's going to be negative, it's always negative and I can't deal with you being disappointed one more time because I might murder your overly-emotional ass" but said to get it.
That night, I found out I was pregnant.
The rest is history, the rest is Anna and I can't believe that I have a 1-year old. Infertility was a huge struggle for us. It tested both of our patients and it tested our marriage in many ways. If I had to do it all over again (who says I won't have to anyway!?) I would be more open about it. I didn't like to talk about my inability to get pregnant because I thought it would bring more pressure into the situation or worse...pity. I would take more time to focus on the things I already had...a great husband and the freedom to do what we wanted when we wanted to do it without having to find a sitter. Infertility also made my faith stronger and taught me how to listen to God and wait for His blessings. And He brought us only the cutest!
Friday, August 17, 2012
Infertility: guest blogger Nicole Sivak
It's infertility coffee hour over here at MommyDisaster. Unfortunately infertility has been a major obstacle in many of my friend's journey to mommyhood. Fortunately some have decided to share their struggles via blog. I asked them to share because infertility is devastating and incredibly isolating yet has a way of bonding together those of us who have braved it.
Nicole is and always will be one of my best friends so it was only natural that I ask her to share a little bit about where she is with infertility. I'm thankful for her honestly on the subject.
--mommyd.
(this photo belongs to Trevor Miller. It was used without his permission and for that I am sorry)
Nicole is and always will be one of my best friends so it was only natural that I ask her to share a little bit about where she is with infertility. I'm thankful for her honestly on the subject.
--mommyd.
I got married a little over a year ago. We decided to start trying
for a baby as soon as the rings were on. I figured I would be pregnant
by August.I made long term plans with baby in mind. Can't plan a
vacation I might be pregnant, pretty crazy I know. I was not on the
pill, I hadn't missed a period since I was a teen, I didn't even
consider there would be an issue. Month after month nothing. I made an
appointment with Dr.Gildner who unlike my current OBGYN dealt with
fertility. The month before my appt I tracked my ovulation and never
got a reading. Dr.Gildner went into great depths about what could be
wrong, and what he didn't think was wrong. Basically he did not think
PCOS was the issue and anything else would need further testing and
started me on Clomid to help with ovulating. Being as Dr. Gildner saw no
visable issues I once again assumed I would be pregnant after a cycle
or two. I knew others with success on this medication. My first cycle
came and went, I was put on the same dosage the next cycle the
same. Side note ** I stated previously how I was never on birth
control, this is because the two times I was on birth control I went
CRAZY! I became insane, emotional, and a raging beast of a woman.
Clomid, was like birth control x100. I was the defintion of HOT MESS
and becase I am an emotional eater I gained weight. I wish I could go
into detail the number of times I would just break down and cry at the
most inappropriate times.There was also hot flashes and nausea to add to
the fun. So of course after 3 rounds went unsuccessful I was thrilled
to get a double dose for my fourth. After the double dosage I was
pretty much over clomid. i I decided to stop taking it and try to lose
weight. instead. I am on month 15 of trying to get pregnant and still
do not know what is wrong or what the next step is.
We never got an ovulation reading sometimes a faint
line but nothing showing that the clomid was working for sure. I
have had some pretty bad days, thinking maybe that faint line was all it
took, hoping every month that finally we would have our positive. The
negatives got harder and harder. I said I would give myself three
months of not "trying". That lasted one month and I decided I wanted to
try again. I then called the fertility clinic and made John an
appointment to get a seman anaylsis. I may have been an emotional wreck
for four months but my husband really proved himself when he did
something personal in a somewhat public area. We waited a week on edge
and after a cruel call from his doctor saying he needed to get more info
he would call back tomorrow, Apparently John Sivak is the king of
swimmers and has an impressive count. I made an appointment for
October to further discuss my options and next step.
I still have hope. I still look at baby names, pin
nurseries on pintrest, and think of birth plans. The scary part is I
don't know... so until we either get pregnant or run lots of tests all I
have is hope. I try not to think of what the next step is if this
doesn't work out. We aren't wealthy we can't do expensive treatments or
out of country adoptions. It is very hard though. I get a nudge
of jealousy when I hear another person at work is pregnant. I come up
with clever one liners when people ask the baby question. Sometimes
people will say "just have more sex" or "when you stop trying that is
when it will happen". Let me give it to you straight readers of
Ericka's blog, when someone is having trouble having a baby unless you
have well researched advice or speak from real experience just say
something nice like. "you will be a great mom one day". It is a
sensative issue. I apologize to my dear friend Ericka for all the times
I told her HAVE A BABY!!! It is a rough road and sometimes my husband
doesn't even understand my sadness it is just different for girls. So
if you know someone just listen to them when they DO want to talk. I
am lucky. I have a wonderful husband who won't give up and a best friend
who can offer me valueable advice. I can't wait to till the day when
she is giving me advice on motherhood.
Friday, August 3, 2012
great expectations
I don't know how I'm going to make this post flow well but I'm going to give it my best shot. So stay with me and try to not get lost.
I'm going to briefly mention 2 things that pertain to my situation...infertility and post-partum depression...but they are only going to be said in passing because I want to devote a separate post to each one of them in the future so stay tuned if you want to be dragged down into those ditches. I think that they have something to do with my current situation but for the time being, they are salt and pepper to the roast.
I've been able to spend more time at home with Anna the last 2 weeks. I've been phasing out of my job and that's allowed me to be a stay at home mom for a little while.
The last time I was a stay at home mom, I had just given birth and was enjoying my maternity leave. I've secretly always wanted to be a housewife.
When you have a baby, everyone and every book says "sleep when your baby sleeps!" I kind of thought that was bullshit. My house is not immaculate but it is tidy and it didn't get tidy by sleeping all day. I say when your baby sleeps, you should wash the dishes.
This disposition really helped me stay on top of things after Anna was born. It was also incredibly easy to do because back then Anna didn't do a damn thing besides lay around and be cute.
Now we fast forward a year. Anna is nearly 1 and besides being cute, she's figured out how to do all kinds of other amazing things like:
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Why? Because if she already has something in her mouth she's much less likely to eat the Cherrios that have been on the floor for at least a week.
We eat out more than we eat in because it's faster
We make it to the Y about twice a week
Remember that part in the first Sex in the City movie where Miranda and Steve are in the bedroom and she says "can't we get it over with?" I mean really, was that that awful????
This is my life now. I know that it won't always been this way but it is now and I strive to accept it and love it everyday.
I'm going to briefly mention 2 things that pertain to my situation...infertility and post-partum depression...but they are only going to be said in passing because I want to devote a separate post to each one of them in the future so stay tuned if you want to be dragged down into those ditches. I think that they have something to do with my current situation but for the time being, they are salt and pepper to the roast.
I've been able to spend more time at home with Anna the last 2 weeks. I've been phasing out of my job and that's allowed me to be a stay at home mom for a little while.
The last time I was a stay at home mom, I had just given birth and was enjoying my maternity leave. I've secretly always wanted to be a housewife.
When you have a baby, everyone and every book says "sleep when your baby sleeps!" I kind of thought that was bullshit. My house is not immaculate but it is tidy and it didn't get tidy by sleeping all day. I say when your baby sleeps, you should wash the dishes.
This disposition really helped me stay on top of things after Anna was born. It was also incredibly easy to do because back then Anna didn't do a damn thing besides lay around and be cute.
Now we fast forward a year. Anna is nearly 1 and besides being cute, she's figured out how to do all kinds of other amazing things like:
splashing her hands around in the toilet
emptying her lowest dresser drawer
take pictures off the wall
"reorganize" our dvd collection
eat anything left on the carpet
Oh yeah, and play with her own dirty diaper.
I had a very hard time getting pregnant. It was hard on both of us but I am confident that I took it a bit harder. I don't think boys want to be dads the way girls want to be moms. So I had time...a lot of time...to create this picture in my head about how wonderful life was going to be when I had a baby. For years I added to this expectation. I was going to have a beautiful, natural birth and breastfeed with ease and grace. I was going to keep my house looking neat and in place. I was going to have dinner on the table at 5:30 for my husband and take a family jog each night. I was going to have the enthusiasm for at least 2 hours of romance 3 night a week minimum and of course do my hair and make-up every single day.
The cruel thing is that this almost seemed obtainable when I was home the first couple of weeks with Anna. I wasn't having that hard of a time keeping up.
Which led me to an almost complete nervous breakdown yesterday
When Anna was about 6 months old, I was feeling not great and decided to talk to my doctor. She said it sounded like I had post-partum and gave me some Zoloft that I quit taking 3 months later because I don't think I was really depressed anyway....I think having a baby really rocks your world and if you don't have days where you feel overwhelmed and shitty then you are a robot. But anyway, I still have "days" and yesterday was one of them.
Sometimes I feel like a complete failure because I'm still trying to make that idea of parenthood work for me.
It's not going so well.
7.5 times out of 10, this is what my living room looks like
.JPG)
I don't know if my house will ever been clean again.
I let my baby chew on cat toys
.JPG)
We eat out more than we eat in because it's faster
We make it to the Y about twice a week
Remember that part in the first Sex in the City movie where Miranda and Steve are in the bedroom and she says "can't we get it over with?" I mean really, was that that awful????
This is my life now. I know that it won't always been this way but it is now and I strive to accept it and love it everyday.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
AnnaDisaster (gross out)
I go into Anna's room this morning when I hear that she is awake from her morning nap. I smelled it before I saw it.
My MacGyver of a child took off her diaper (when??? I don't know...) and was happy as a clam that she had done so.
The real problem I had with this was not the mess. Very little grosses me out and I just rolled up the whole damn thing and threw it in the trash. This is my problem:
Moms of the world-
You may feel like a bad parent today for all kinds of reasons. But I want you to take comfort in the fact that no matter how horribly you think you might have failed today, at least you were not on watch while your kid rolled around in her own shit for 2 hours.
You may feel like a bad parent today for all kinds of reasons. But I want you to take comfort in the fact that no matter how horribly you think you might have failed today, at least you were not on watch while your kid rolled around in her own shit for 2 hours.
Monday, July 23, 2012
The 30-year-old student
In 2 weeks, I will no longer have a job
In 4 weeks, I will be a full-time student for the first time in 8 years
I don't exactally remember when the idea of school came up between Dave and I. Probably when I was pregnant. Being pregnant makes the brain think all kinds of insane thoughts like: "I should quit my job and go to school!" But here I am, spending my last several days at work and making sure that my exit will be an easy transition for everyone.
I'm terrified on many levels: Will we be able to make ends meet on one income? Will I be able to keep up with my school work and my responsibilities at home and excel at both? Am I sure that I've picked a career that I will be happy with for years to come? How am I going to pass my math classes?
All these things aside, I am really looking forward to this change. Anna and I will have more time together on the days I don't have class! Also, the chances of her getting a higher education are going to be better if both of her parents have done the same and I'm going to need her to take care of my old, decrepit ass so she better be making the bucks because momma doesn't do nursing homes.
I'm very excited and looking forward to this change. It's going to be a big adjustment (financially, mostly) but it will be so worth it in the end!
Now what color backpack should I buy...
In 4 weeks, I will be a full-time student for the first time in 8 years
I don't exactally remember when the idea of school came up between Dave and I. Probably when I was pregnant. Being pregnant makes the brain think all kinds of insane thoughts like: "I should quit my job and go to school!" But here I am, spending my last several days at work and making sure that my exit will be an easy transition for everyone.
I'm terrified on many levels: Will we be able to make ends meet on one income? Will I be able to keep up with my school work and my responsibilities at home and excel at both? Am I sure that I've picked a career that I will be happy with for years to come? How am I going to pass my math classes?
All these things aside, I am really looking forward to this change. Anna and I will have more time together on the days I don't have class! Also, the chances of her getting a higher education are going to be better if both of her parents have done the same and I'm going to need her to take care of my old, decrepit ass so she better be making the bucks because momma doesn't do nursing homes.
I'm very excited and looking forward to this change. It's going to be a big adjustment (financially, mostly) but it will be so worth it in the end!
Now what color backpack should I buy...
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Fifty Shades of Grey (is a little smut ok?)
I confess, I...like every 3rd woman on the planet, have indulged in the Fifty Shades trilogy.
I don't have much to say about the story it's self. Essentially it is a very poorly written series about a young and unassuming girl who meets a rich, good-looking guy who owns his own company, can make girls come on demand and of course has a huge package ( or "impressive length" as the book describes it ).
This book has no sense of reality to it and and I'd hate it if I didn't love the absurdity of it. But since I swore an oath to myself to be honest and open about such matter, I admit that about halfway through the second book I noticed that things in my own bedroom had gotten a little more interesting. Which made me wonder...is a little smut ok?
Anyone who has been married any significant amount of time can feel my pain when I say that things have gotten a little ho-hum. Gone are those early days of cutsey outfits, massages, candles, Maxwell's Pretty Wings. (Oh, and freshly shaven legs.)
Now it's more along the lines of this:
me: I'm tired, are you tired?
him: Not too tired. Why? You want to do it?
me: I guess we can.
I was raised in a christian home, was a total youth group kid, went to a christian university and still attend church today on a regular basis and I was always taught that porn was wrong and I don't know..maybe it really is a slippery slope and my confession is that I feel bad that I don't feel bad about bringing it into my bedroom. Maybe I'm too naive and this thing is going to come back and bite me in the butt down the road but we have on occasion used porn to bring a new element to our relationship...is that so wrong?
I don't have much to say about the story it's self. Essentially it is a very poorly written series about a young and unassuming girl who meets a rich, good-looking guy who owns his own company, can make girls come on demand and of course has a huge package ( or "impressive length" as the book describes it ).
This book has no sense of reality to it and and I'd hate it if I didn't love the absurdity of it. But since I swore an oath to myself to be honest and open about such matter, I admit that about halfway through the second book I noticed that things in my own bedroom had gotten a little more interesting. Which made me wonder...is a little smut ok?
Anyone who has been married any significant amount of time can feel my pain when I say that things have gotten a little ho-hum. Gone are those early days of cutsey outfits, massages, candles, Maxwell's Pretty Wings. (Oh, and freshly shaven legs.)
Now it's more along the lines of this:
me: I'm tired, are you tired?
him: Not too tired. Why? You want to do it?
me: I guess we can.
I was raised in a christian home, was a total youth group kid, went to a christian university and still attend church today on a regular basis and I was always taught that porn was wrong and I don't know..maybe it really is a slippery slope and my confession is that I feel bad that I don't feel bad about bringing it into my bedroom. Maybe I'm too naive and this thing is going to come back and bite me in the butt down the road but we have on occasion used porn to bring a new element to our relationship...is that so wrong?
Friday, June 29, 2012
I have questioned my desire to stay married
Lately I have been obsessed with a song by Birdy called "skinny love"
(YES, I know it's a Bon Iver cover.)
It's a beautiful, beautiful song and if you have never listened to it then you should do it right now. I can wait. Actually just open YouTube and listen while you read. It will be very romantic that way. And I will try very hard to only type 3 minutes and 15 seconds worth of material so there will be no awkward silence. Or you could listen to it twice...you have plenty of options.
Usually I don't think much about the music I'm listening to but when I heard "skinny love" I paid very close attention to the lyrics because they were so heartbreaking and communicated something very personal for me. There is a part of the song that goes like this:
I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
I think this song must be about a relationship that is barely hanging on by a thread and I can definitely identify with that.
I know that there have been many times in the span of our relationship that David and I have completly broken down on each other and wondered if we were truly compatible, if we jumped into things too quickly, or if our issues were even fixable. I have questioned my desire to be married to Dave, I have packed a suitcase and called a friend to say I was going to spend a few nights on her couch.
(Funny side note, I called my best girlfriend Beth once when Dave and I had a fight and she said that of course I could come and stay but it could only be for a night becasue she liked Dave too much and wanted me to go home and work it out)
I think my confession of this might be a surprise for some people. I'm not bragging about anything here, (because what people say is not true most of the time) but Dave and I hear all.the.time how cute we are, how sweet we are, and how good we are together. Sometimes it IS true! But sometimes our marriage is just holding on by a wish and a prayer and I want to punch whoever says that stuff to me in the throat.
There have been extraordinarily hard days where one or both of us has wanted to walk away for good. Looking back, I can't even say how we managed to get through it, but I'm glad that we did because I just don't think I would do very well without him.
(YES, I know it's a Bon Iver cover.)
It's a beautiful, beautiful song and if you have never listened to it then you should do it right now. I can wait. Actually just open YouTube and listen while you read. It will be very romantic that way. And I will try very hard to only type 3 minutes and 15 seconds worth of material so there will be no awkward silence. Or you could listen to it twice...you have plenty of options.
Usually I don't think much about the music I'm listening to but when I heard "skinny love" I paid very close attention to the lyrics because they were so heartbreaking and communicated something very personal for me. There is a part of the song that goes like this:
I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
I think this song must be about a relationship that is barely hanging on by a thread and I can definitely identify with that.
I know that there have been many times in the span of our relationship that David and I have completly broken down on each other and wondered if we were truly compatible, if we jumped into things too quickly, or if our issues were even fixable. I have questioned my desire to be married to Dave, I have packed a suitcase and called a friend to say I was going to spend a few nights on her couch.
(Funny side note, I called my best girlfriend Beth once when Dave and I had a fight and she said that of course I could come and stay but it could only be for a night becasue she liked Dave too much and wanted me to go home and work it out)
I think my confession of this might be a surprise for some people. I'm not bragging about anything here, (because what people say is not true most of the time) but Dave and I hear all.the.time how cute we are, how sweet we are, and how good we are together. Sometimes it IS true! But sometimes our marriage is just holding on by a wish and a prayer and I want to punch whoever says that stuff to me in the throat.
There have been extraordinarily hard days where one or both of us has wanted to walk away for good. Looking back, I can't even say how we managed to get through it, but I'm glad that we did because I just don't think I would do very well without him.
Monday, June 25, 2012
sister wives
God, I love reality tv shows. There are many that I am loyal to but Sister Wives on TLC in by far my favorite. The show follows the Brown family (Kody and his 3 wives...Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn and all 900 of their kids) as they find out how to make life work as a polygamist family in Las Vegas. It's a trainwreck and I ADORE watching it all go down. This show really brings out the pious side of me and it also makes me incredibly sad sometimes. My girlfriend Beth was over one day and we were watching an episode and she says "you know, I really wouldn't mind that." Beth is cray.
We did talk about it at length and decided that it wouldn't be half bad if WE were sister wives. But this would be easy because I already love Beth and we would probably abandon our relationship with our husband because we'd have each other (except when one of us needed some sweet lovin' and you better believe we'd gossip about it later unlike those prudes on the show.)
But honestly, I just don't get it! There is no way that that man can truly fulfill all 4 of those relationships on any level that has even a slightest resemblance of a marriage. Marriage is hard enough for Dave and I alone and we only have each other to contend with! We get on each other's nerves constantly. He pisses me off and I know that I can be a pain in the ass. We are both very stubborn, I'm selfish, he closes down. That's the way we are and I know we are not alone. We may not have the ability to make our everyday relationship feel as new and exciting as it was 5 years ago when we'd make out at every red stoplight but we have something greater, at least I feel like it's pretty great and that's the mutual understanding that marriage is not a hand in hand walk on the beach at sunset I dropped those expectations on our honeymoon after I realized that we were not going to be having a mind-blowing romantic trip filled with "I never want to leave this room amazing sex" but instead daily bickering about God only knows what. I remember being frosty with him for an entire day because he knew how to kayak and I didn't and I'm pretty sure he left me behind to drown...
We know that every day, every single day, we have to spend intentional time with each other or we will absolutely fall apart at the seams. Marriage is hard work that needs attention on a daily basis...not just when you get a turn in the weekly wife rotation.
.
We did talk about it at length and decided that it wouldn't be half bad if WE were sister wives. But this would be easy because I already love Beth and we would probably abandon our relationship with our husband because we'd have each other (except when one of us needed some sweet lovin' and you better believe we'd gossip about it later unlike those prudes on the show.)
But honestly, I just don't get it! There is no way that that man can truly fulfill all 4 of those relationships on any level that has even a slightest resemblance of a marriage. Marriage is hard enough for Dave and I alone and we only have each other to contend with! We get on each other's nerves constantly. He pisses me off and I know that I can be a pain in the ass. We are both very stubborn, I'm selfish, he closes down. That's the way we are and I know we are not alone. We may not have the ability to make our everyday relationship feel as new and exciting as it was 5 years ago when we'd make out at every red stoplight but we have something greater, at least I feel like it's pretty great and that's the mutual understanding that marriage is not a hand in hand walk on the beach at sunset I dropped those expectations on our honeymoon after I realized that we were not going to be having a mind-blowing romantic trip filled with "I never want to leave this room amazing sex" but instead daily bickering about God only knows what. I remember being frosty with him for an entire day because he knew how to kayak and I didn't and I'm pretty sure he left me behind to drown...
We know that every day, every single day, we have to spend intentional time with each other or we will absolutely fall apart at the seams. Marriage is hard work that needs attention on a daily basis...not just when you get a turn in the weekly wife rotation.
.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Hello, my name is Ericka
I wanted to start this blog for several reasons
My self-righteous reason: when I was pregnant, I read lots of books. Most of them delt with pregnancy/childbirth/motherhood in a very heavenly, romantic sort of way. But I want to tell the truth (at least from my perspective) about all those things and the truth is that well, being a parent kind of sucks sometimes and I don't think enough people talk about that and I want to and I happen to think that I can do it with grace, honesty, and with a little humor
My lazy reason: trying to start a working mom's MOPS group takes up too much time right now
My hidden agenda reason: blogging kind of makes me feel like Carrie Bradshaw
In all honesty, after I became a mom I realized that there were lots of things that no one told me about. And I went through a couple of rough months of being a freaked out mess because I didn't know what I was doing and didn't have many other mom friends that I felt comfortable talking to. Being a parent really is a wonderful thing but it can also be a real disaster and I just hope that other struggling parents will be able to see that they are not alone.
I want to be able to talk about all those things that don't get much mention so if you are offended by talk of blood, sex, poop, money or Jesus then read someone else's parenting blog. I'm not your "coupon tricks" or "craft ideas" kind of gal. And if you can relate to that, then check me out! ( I swear, I will give $10 to the person who can tell me the song that that line is from. Excluding Emilie and Eva. It will be a welcome to my blog game. NO CHEATING!)
My self-righteous reason: when I was pregnant, I read lots of books. Most of them delt with pregnancy/childbirth/motherhood in a very heavenly, romantic sort of way. But I want to tell the truth (at least from my perspective) about all those things and the truth is that well, being a parent kind of sucks sometimes and I don't think enough people talk about that and I want to and I happen to think that I can do it with grace, honesty, and with a little humor
My lazy reason: trying to start a working mom's MOPS group takes up too much time right now
My hidden agenda reason: blogging kind of makes me feel like Carrie Bradshaw
In all honesty, after I became a mom I realized that there were lots of things that no one told me about. And I went through a couple of rough months of being a freaked out mess because I didn't know what I was doing and didn't have many other mom friends that I felt comfortable talking to. Being a parent really is a wonderful thing but it can also be a real disaster and I just hope that other struggling parents will be able to see that they are not alone.
I want to be able to talk about all those things that don't get much mention so if you are offended by talk of blood, sex, poop, money or Jesus then read someone else's parenting blog. I'm not your "coupon tricks" or "craft ideas" kind of gal. And if you can relate to that, then check me out! ( I swear, I will give $10 to the person who can tell me the song that that line is from. Excluding Emilie and Eva. It will be a welcome to my blog game. NO CHEATING!)
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