Hi, I am DeAnna and I am a infertile, who blogs over at Grateful for Giggling Girls. They say the first step in overcoming something is admitting the problem....I however have admitted I am an infertile a whole lot of times and am pretty sure it hasn't changed LOL!! Ericka is trying to keep it real over here at Mommy Disaster so I am going to just lay it all out for you the good, the bad and the ugly so here we go!
I was diagnosed with PCOS at 17 and put on birth control, which made me feel much better, and metformin, which helped me lose a little bit of weight, so I continued on my happy path, met my husband, got married and decided to throw out the birth control a few months later. I had been warned that with how severe my PCOS was, getting pregnant would probably prove difficult and that we should try while I was young because our chances were higher. They also told me that I needed to try for six months without help and then they would start to do something for us.
So we did that 6 months, lots of sex (because hey we were newlyweds!) and nothing happened, so the wonderful Dr. Gildner put me on clomid for six months, and again nothing happened so he referred me to The Reproductive Endocrinologist of Springfield where we met Dr. MaryAnn McRae and her AMAZING staff!! At this point in time we had been trying for right around a year, I was not discouraged because I just figured somehow someone would get me a baby, I was pretty naive as to what would come! Dr. McRae ran a bunch of tests. She did Tim's sperm count and internal sonograms, blood work and a post coital test. Oh what is that you might ask? That my friends is where you wake up, have planned sex and then go in and they take a sample off your cervix to see if your cervical mucus is killing your hubby's sperm. MORTIFIED! And to think I figured it couldn't get any worse! She confirmed the PCOS and developed a game plan. She upped the dose of clomid to the max that is allowed and then I came in once or twice a week to watch the follicles develop.
We did five cycles of this and it never induced ovulation. I was crushed and emotionally it all started to take its toll. Clomid made me ugly acting and I swear the only reason Tim handled it so well was that we were still in the newlywed stage so he just thought this was the person he had really married! I kept up a good front and remained very optimistic for the most part, but there were days where I buried my head in my pillow and sobbed and got mad, where I threw the stupid basal thermometer against the wall and wanted to crumple up the temperature and sex chart.
Infertility strips you of all privacy. They know everything about you. They track how often you have sex, tell you when you can't have it and what days to make sure you don't miss having it....You have to make sure and do it at the exact time they tell you, EVEN if at that very moment the Clomid is making you HATE your husband! LOL!
So, the clomid wasn't working, they decided to move me to the follistim injections, and I cried. I didn't want to have to do the shots. I didn't want to believe I was THAT infertile. It was about this time in our journey that I begin to have a lot of questions about God and how he felt about my infertility, because this journey not only tested every aspect of our marriage, it tests every corner of your faith.
I am a Christian, and being infertile is a pretty taboo subject in general, but it is definitely something hardly ever talked about in the church.... I found a Christian book on the subject and read and spent time talking to members at my church. I believed in my heart that God approved of my seeking help to get pregnant but I wanted confirmation. It was at this time that one of my mentors pulled me aside and said a sentence that would forever change my view on infertility and the church. She said "DeAnna, if you were sick with cancer would you seek the help of an oncologist?” I of course said “yes.” She said “If you had diabetes would you use insulin to help stabilize you?” I again said “yes.” She said ”God has given doctors the ability to heal, the ability to create medicines and the knowledge to know how to use them. Seeking out medical help to achieve pregnancy is no different. You could do it all and never get a baby, just like you could do chemo and never be healed. He is the giver of life and always will be, seeking medical help doesn't change that.”
I moved forward and never looked back! I knew there were a few things I wouldn't choose to do if it came time to make those choices. We would never choose to do a selective reduction if we got multiples but all of that is for a different blog! So we began the follistim shots. The first two cycles failed and I was heartbroken. Then we found out Tim's insurance was changing and it was going to cost us $1,000.00 dollars out of pocket each month if we wanted to continue. So we ordered one more months supply before the deductibles changed and we jumped in with both feet. I grew four follicles that cycle, and I ovulated them all. We did another IUI, which is where they put Tim's cleaned up spiffy swimmers into me with a catheter, and we waited on a wing and a prayer.
Two weeks passed and I started spotting. I went in for a blood test and it came back positive, but it was a very low positive so they told us not to get excited (ummm yeah right!) I hit my knees, praying harder than I had ever prayed in my whole life. Three days later we went in for another test. The numbers had increased but not the right amount. They said we were probably pregnant but it was looking like the pregnancy may not be a viable one. I refused to give up hope, and I believed this baby was going to be strong enough to make it. We went in for a sonogram at five weeks…..there was a sac but no baby. But, my numbers were still rising…slowly at best. We went in at six weeks and there was a baby but no heart beat which they said meant a miscarriage was probably going to take place. We went in at seven weeks and there she was in all her glory with a beating heart!! There was never a sweeter sound!! The doctor discovered that this baby was the result of a fifth egg that was released days after the other eggs, and implanted later which was what was causing all the weird numbers.
Carleigh Lou Gasen was born on January 13th 2006, 3 years and 3 months after we started our treatment journey to her!!! One day after I brought her home I went to the refrigerator and there stood the case for my shots, I opened it up and what I found gave me Goosebumps. There was only one dose of the final vial of medicine left! God gave us our miracle and He never gave us more than we could handle!! He knew we would never be able to afford $1,000.00 per month deductibles. He was in control the whole time!
I wish I could say our journey ended there but it definitely didn't! For part 2, join me over at Grateful for Giggling Girls to see what the journey to Carleigh's little sister looked like! I never dreamed it would be harder or filled with more heartbreak than the journey to Carleigh was, but I was very wrong...........
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