So last night, something very great happened. My sister Eva had her baby boy and it was amazing to see him come into the word. She has not yet shared a picture of him so I won't either but take my word for it, he is very adorable and tiny and adorable. Very adorable.
I don't know what ya'll do when someone in your family has a baby but in our family it's an all day event. We selfishly occupy every seat in the Memorial waiting room. We're loud, we order pizza, we play games. We get there early in the morning and stay until the baby is born, love on the newest member of our family then go home. So last night on our drive home, Dave and I were talking about how cute Parker is and Dave says to me "come on, holding him didn't make you want another baby?" That's his thing now, he's ready for another and I am, well, not.
As usual, I want to be honest about the matters I blog about but this subject is at the top of my scary list so please don't make fun of me.
Also, I'm going to talk about my period now so leave if you want.
I totally had the baby blues in the hospital the first few days after Anna was born. I cried because I had to move into a different room and cried when I got the new room because the nurses had witnessed my first breakdown when they came to help me move and put a picture frame in the new room to cheer me up. I cried when Dave's parents called to ask if they could bring Panera soup up to the room for us. I cried when Anna cried because I had, on accident, caught some of her skin between a shirt snap when we were getting her dressed to go home. I cried in the car the entire way home because I didn't want Dave to go back to work in a week. I cried when any home visitors hugged me, made me dinner or asked if I needed anything.
I
WAS
A
M E S S
Then when Anna was about 2 weeks old....poof! It just stopped. I felt normal, I felt like I was the mom that dreams were made of and Anna was a golden child who was the absolute picture of perfection. We lived the simple, happy life for a long time. Anna was (and still is) an amazing sleeper. She slept all night long from the get-go. She woke up a handful of times, had a bottle and went right back to sleep. Not bad for a breastfed baby, eh? I was a pumping champ, always stayed right on schedule and had an amazing supply.
Then winter hit (figuratively and literally speaking) 6 months later
I had a bad week that week. No particular reason. I was on my way to work one morning and was just thinking how shitty I felt and that I'd rather skip work. I stopped by my mom's house so she could watch Anna for the day. Just like every mom, all my mom had to do was take one look at me and knew there was something upsetting me and asked what was wrong and I lost it on her. Crying, wailing, choking sobs and all. I called work, told them I was not coming and hung out at my mom's house. Nothing is better than your momma when you don't feel well...even when you're 30.
I had a true anxiety attack when it was time for me to head home at the end of the day. I can't say why but I was scared to go home. Dave took good care of me though, don't worry. I went to sleep that night and tried to put a bad day behind me.
I woke up the next morning and just cried and cried and cried. As soon as my eyes were open. I couldn't get out of bed that morning. Dave stayed home from work, he was scared and worried about me and honestly I was worried too. I was in such a bad place mentally because I had no idea what was wrong with me. You would have thought that my baby died. We both figured it was post-partum depression. Dave called my doctor and made me an appointment to talk about medication options.
I was limited on what I could take because I was still breastfeeding and Zoloft is what I tried. I took it for about 2 months and took myself off (NOT ADVISABLE) a little at a time. It did nothing but make me feel like I was emotionally flatlined. No thanks, not for me.
And then, to my surprise, I got my first post baby period. It was about 1-2 weeks after my complete can't-get-out-of-bed mental breakdown. I wasn't expecting it because I was still nursing but there it was and I tell ya, it was a real bitch! I called my OB because I knew I was hemorrhaging. (I wasn't)
I talked to other girls and some had experienced really horrible ones like I had and some didn't. I think it's important to note that when offered birth control pills at my 4-week PP visit, I DECLINED. I think normal, sane girls get on something fairly soon after baby is born but I happen to think bcp's are horrible and unless I needed to take them to save my life, I steer clear.
My point is ( I think I still have one) that I still think that my hormones are wildly out of wack. Thanks to a period tracker app, I'm starting to see a pattern of very very bad PMS (mood swings, depression, anxiety) about 1 week before my period comes. And though I stopped nursing in April, I still get the occasional milk leak. To me, that's just one more sign that maybe I don't feel normal because my body is indeed not back to normal. This is all very frustrating to me because most of the time, my behavior is about 35-40% anxiety-based which means that not only do I feel like garbage, I have these worries that I will always feel like garbage.
Now I'm going to bring ya full circle.
Dave is ready for another baby. And let me tell you, I have the cream of the crop when it comes to having an excellent partner in this parenting thing. Dave is hands down the best dad ever, I know everyone thinks that theirs is better and that's fine with me....you can still tell your husband he is the best but KNOW that mine tops yours :)
But I'm not ready. I don't know if I will ever be because I am terrified of being the sobbing, worried, weeping mother to another baby. I think babies deserve physically and mentally healthy moms and I just don't think that I'm there yet.
If you like to pray or sing songs or think happy thoughts, please remember me the next time you do. It is an absolutely hard place to be where I am. And anyone that you know who is going through the same thing would appreciate it too.
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