a miscarrage

I looked at my calender.  3 days late.
I was pregnant.
I knew it.

I told Dave that I was late and said "you know I'm pregnant, right?"
"We'll see"
"Ok.  But I am.  Just so you know."

We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant that night, had some wine and talked about how we'd tell his parents.  I asked Dave to stop by the grocery store on the way home and threw a pregnancy test in the cart.

Any girl who's ever been anxious to take a pregnancy test totally disregards the "first morning pee" rule and has to know right away.  I'm no exception.  I didn't even take my coat off or hang up my purse.  Just went straight to the bathroom.
And, well....holy shit.  There were 2 lines.
I really truly was pregnant.  My hands were shaking
I brought the test to Dave
The second line was light, but it was there.

Last night at dinner, we were able to laugh and joke about a second baby, I now felt like someone had tied a boulder to me.
What the hell are we going to do? I don't have a job.  We don't have a big enough house.  I didn't feel physically or emotionally ready to be pregnant again but it's too late for that now.
This was so different that the first time around.  I instantly felt so guilty for my reaction and tried to straighten out my attitude but the more I tried to fake my excitement over this, the more miserable I felt.

I've been interning at my old office and asked for a blood test to confirm.  I knew the results wouldn't be in until the following morning so I tried to relax and focus my thoughts on anything but another baby.
It didn't work...I was a nervous wreck.
I got into work as early as I could and I don't know if I even said "HI!" or "Good Morning!!" to anyone, I just had to see that test.

40.  That was my beta HCG result.  That wasn't good and I knew it.
That test measures the amount of pregnancy hormone in my system and though it can very widely vary from woman to woman, 40 was very dismal.  Most girls who are in that same stage of pregnancy have levels in the thousands.  I called my ob/gyn and discussed the next move.  They advised me to make my first prenatal visit and have another blood test drawn in several days.
"It's so early" they said.  "Give your hormone levels time to increase"

It wasn't a few days after that that I started to spot, which got heavier with the passing days and I knew it was happening.  We lost the pregnancy.

Getting pregnant again was a big surprise to Dave and I.  We didn't expect it to happen again so soon even though we don't use protection and figured it would happen sooner or later (we were expecting later!).
I still feel very guilty for not embracing it with the same excitement that I did when I was pregnant with Anna.  And Dave and I's policy has always been that we'd take the blessing of another child when it was given to us.  With such confidence and arrogance we'd say that!
I admit it, I had to eat a little crow on this one.  I realized for myself that I'm NOT READY for another baby and this has been what I needed to realize that and to be comfortable with making that decision.

There are some days that I'm sad about it but I think that's the mother in me that though what I lost was merely a clump of cells, I still feel like I failed someone.  But mostly I feel like I can take a huge sigh of relief.
Dave and I say how thankful we are that it happened when it did.  If we had made it to that first sonogram appointment and seen the heartbeat and lost it, we'd be in a much worse state and it breaks my heart when I hear of that kind of loss.  But this wasn't like that and I'm very thankful.  This has helped Dave and I organize some priorities so we can be READY! next time we see that second line :)