The Mommy Wars

If I can be honest and beat my pride for a moment I will tell you that when I was pregnant with Anna I wasn't nervous to be a mom.  I was a know-it-all to be factual.  I read What to Expect when you're Expecting for editorial purposes.  

My arrogance wasn't completely uncalled for: I was, after all, the big sister to 3 siblings, one of them born when I was 11.  I babysat for countless families with children of all age ranges and continued to do so until I was 29.  It was completely true, I knew a thing or two about how to take care a baby.

                         

Well, my delivery date came and went.  I had my 4 teary-eyed days and got on with it.  

I didn't struggle much as a parent those first 5 months.  Sure, I'd feel myself getting worked up when so-and-so's baby rolled over, sat up, got a tooth, etc. before mine did.  But it was clear that Anna was happy and healthy (even if she REFUSED to roll over even though I knew she could) and I never dwelled on it much.

I, like most moms, did have a snapping point and it was when Anna was ready for solid foods.  I became an absolute nervous wreck!

I don't know exactally what it was about solid foods that send me into a panic but I found myself seriously having to rely on the advise of others to be confident about my decisions about what, how, when to feed my girl.  And that's when I started getting involved in mom groups, and that's where I found trouble.

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Obviously there are millions of moms out there who do things a million different way but I was not prepared to see so much judgement and isolation among my peers because of the ways we parent our kids.

I'm not innocent, I've said things to other mom's that I should have thought twice about saying and have thought things like:

You aren't even going to try to breastfeed?  Well, that's selfish!

Seriously, can't she put in the extra effort to make fresh baby food?

An elective C-Section?? You know that's a huge mistake, right?

I have let other mom's hurt me by their words.  Even though tell myself that this person doesn't know me, doesn't know my heart or my good intentions, I still get upset because no mother likes to be told by anyone that they are not doing the best for their kids.  

No matter how many "Stop the Mommy Wars!" campaigns I see, I feel like we are still standing on opposite sides of the fence because "best" is always objective and we can't move past our own opinions.  We say "Let's get along" but mean "I will tolerate your ignorance"

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About a year ago, A pregnant friend of mine were talking when she mentioned that she wanted to keep and process her placenta to make vitamins for herself.  As she was chattering away about the benefits of this, all I could think was what a disgusting idea!  I mean, that's the most gross thing I have ever heard of!  It troubled me for weeks, I had to reconcile the idea it for myself in order to make peace with the thought and soon remembered my old guinea pig from childhood that gave birth to a litter and then started to eat one of them...

My mom came running when I yelled and explained that she was not eating a baby, she was eating her placenta.  

Animals are the most instinctual beings on the planet and if my guinea pig found it acceptable to eat her placenta well then my friend could do the same and I wouldn't hold it against her.

Animals can teach us a lot about parenting too.  For example:

*A mom polar bear is a single parent and she still does a rockin' job without her babydaddy

*Dad penguins stay home with the babies while mom goes to work

*Kangaroos are the ultimate babywearers: joeys are carried for 6 months straight

*Orangutans sleep with their mom for 7 years

*Some species of seals only nurse for 4 days

If we are different, we are only different because, like in the animal kingdom, not every mom was given the same instincts.  And that doesn't mean that one is inferior to the other!  I wish that as a mommy community we would stop judging each other and assuming that we are in need of each other's enlightenment when it's obvious that our opinions and comments are not being asked for, especially when they are offensive.  No matter how differently we were raised, I bet all of OUR mommas told us "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and we'd all do well to remember that we should be seeking to build each other up, not tear each other down.   I need to do a better job of reminding myself of this and I'm going to remind you too:

God gave you your children because only you (your personality and instincts) could do it the right way for your them and no one has the right or authority to tell you you are doing it wrong!

 

seperate beds

Tis the season
Not the season of starting a new year
Tis the season for sinus infections

For several weeks now, David is woken up by his wife at all strange hours of the night.
"Roll over."
"You're snoring so bad"
"Roll over to the other side"
"Go blow your nose and get some nose spray"

David is always plagued by sinus issues.  It gets worse at this time of the year and turning him from a light, occasional snore to a full blown 8 octave log sawer.  I know he's sick and he has my sympathy...just not a bedtime, at 1AM when I'm staring at the walls and praying that he'll stop.
It's been so bad lately that I skip all the nudges in his back to roll over and go straight to:
"Will you please go sleep on the couch?"


During the holiday season we did some traveling and due to accommodations, we slept in different beds for a couple of nights.
I'm not going to lie-it was nice.  Real nice.
It's amazing how well a wife can sleep without her husband howling in her ear :)

When we got back from vacation and we were once again stuck in one bed together, I found myself starting at the wall again listening to the kodiak bear my husband whom I love and adore and thought:

Can't we just sleep in separate beds from now on?

Christmas was better (when we were younger)

My sister, her husband, their baby and I were sitting in the California Pizza Kitchen.  The place was packed, it was a Saturday night after all and Christmas season to boot. Holiday shoppers stopped in for a bite to eat and little girls danced around in puffy dresses with matching headbands and tights waiting to be seated.
Hell, even the restaurant showed it's own enthusiasm for holiday spirit with lights and glass balls.

"Man..." my sister started, "Christmas was way better when we were kids."
"I know" chimed her husband, "The holidays suck"

The funny this not that I agreed with them, but I knew what they were talking about.  I think as adults, we all do!  The 3 of us at that table, we were not cynical people (at least not overly), we were simply a group that realized that when you are a kid, Christmas is (was)  magic and now it's, well, not.  And that sucks.

I remember being 9 or 10 and turning off the lights except the Christmas tree and put on Amy Grant's Christmas CD and pretend ice-skated all over the living room for what felt like hours.  I remember sledding in our backyard when the world was snowy white.  I remember being too old to think such a thing, but not being able to stop myself from saying "Wow, Santa came!" when I saw our presents.  I miss my brother shaking me awake in my bed at 5AM because his excitement about Christmas was overbearing for him.  I miss sitting in bed with my sisters at 5:10AM watching a movie and eating candy out of our stockings because my parents had said "forget it, go back to bed, it's 5 in the morning! You can't open presents yet!" When we'd get bored with our movie we'd start scoping out the loot under the tree...who's present was the biggest, who had more and trying to guess what was beneath the paper.

Though Dave and I have done plenty of the years to celebrate the Christmas season, the memories in my heart will always be the ones from childhood.  And we get to provide that same experience to our kids now, this is their time to learn the magic of Christmas.  And P.S. mom and dad...sorry we woke you up so early, now I know you were up until 3 wrapping presents :)


I was in Target just a week ago trying to pick out Christmas cards.  I picked up a box to get a closer look at what was on the cover.  A snow-covered cabin with glittered ice on the trees.  And inside the cabin, a yellow glow from the fire burning in the fireplace.  Outside were 2 cheery looking kids, both in coats, hats, and mittens.  One pulling the other on a sled.  Somewhere inside me I felt a loss.  What happened to those days? Did they exist?  It felt like they did but I couldn't be sure.

I put the cards back, they really weren't my style anyway.

But I bet--if I had looked a little closer into that cabin, I would have seen a girl in the living room who was pretending ice-skating by the light of the Christmas tree.

a miscarrage

I looked at my calender.  3 days late.
I was pregnant.
I knew it.

I told Dave that I was late and said "you know I'm pregnant, right?"
"We'll see"
"Ok.  But I am.  Just so you know."

We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant that night, had some wine and talked about how we'd tell his parents.  I asked Dave to stop by the grocery store on the way home and threw a pregnancy test in the cart.

Any girl who's ever been anxious to take a pregnancy test totally disregards the "first morning pee" rule and has to know right away.  I'm no exception.  I didn't even take my coat off or hang up my purse.  Just went straight to the bathroom.
And, well....holy shit.  There were 2 lines.
I really truly was pregnant.  My hands were shaking
I brought the test to Dave
The second line was light, but it was there.

Last night at dinner, we were able to laugh and joke about a second baby, I now felt like someone had tied a boulder to me.
What the hell are we going to do? I don't have a job.  We don't have a big enough house.  I didn't feel physically or emotionally ready to be pregnant again but it's too late for that now.
This was so different that the first time around.  I instantly felt so guilty for my reaction and tried to straighten out my attitude but the more I tried to fake my excitement over this, the more miserable I felt.

I've been interning at my old office and asked for a blood test to confirm.  I knew the results wouldn't be in until the following morning so I tried to relax and focus my thoughts on anything but another baby.
It didn't work...I was a nervous wreck.
I got into work as early as I could and I don't know if I even said "HI!" or "Good Morning!!" to anyone, I just had to see that test.

40.  That was my beta HCG result.  That wasn't good and I knew it.
That test measures the amount of pregnancy hormone in my system and though it can very widely vary from woman to woman, 40 was very dismal.  Most girls who are in that same stage of pregnancy have levels in the thousands.  I called my ob/gyn and discussed the next move.  They advised me to make my first prenatal visit and have another blood test drawn in several days.
"It's so early" they said.  "Give your hormone levels time to increase"

It wasn't a few days after that that I started to spot, which got heavier with the passing days and I knew it was happening.  We lost the pregnancy.

Getting pregnant again was a big surprise to Dave and I.  We didn't expect it to happen again so soon even though we don't use protection and figured it would happen sooner or later (we were expecting later!).
I still feel very guilty for not embracing it with the same excitement that I did when I was pregnant with Anna.  And Dave and I's policy has always been that we'd take the blessing of another child when it was given to us.  With such confidence and arrogance we'd say that!
I admit it, I had to eat a little crow on this one.  I realized for myself that I'm NOT READY for another baby and this has been what I needed to realize that and to be comfortable with making that decision.

There are some days that I'm sad about it but I think that's the mother in me that though what I lost was merely a clump of cells, I still feel like I failed someone.  But mostly I feel like I can take a huge sigh of relief.
Dave and I say how thankful we are that it happened when it did.  If we had made it to that first sonogram appointment and seen the heartbeat and lost it, we'd be in a much worse state and it breaks my heart when I hear of that kind of loss.  But this wasn't like that and I'm very thankful.  This has helped Dave and I organize some priorities so we can be READY! next time we see that second line :)

Eva's Infertility Journey

Eva is my sister so naturally, her story has a great impact on me.  I was so happy to hear when she found out she was pregnant.  She and James are amazingly wonderful, creative and caring people and that makes them amazing, wonderful, creative and caring parents.  I am so lucky to have been a part of Parker's birth and Eva and I talk all the time about how great it is that our families get to grow up together.  Can't wait to see what's in the future for these 3!

Warning: I've been "blessed" with the gift of gab so I hope you don't have to poop. If you do, I hope you are reading this on a mobile device. Now, let's get started. 

34 weeks

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and will give birth to my son a month before my life clock strikes 25. I've been with my husband since I graduated high school and we will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary in just a few weeks. Our pregnancy may seem perfectly timed and well planned, but nothing in my world is ever planned or on time. I could bore you with 3+ years worth of stories but they all end with my peeing on a stick then immediately wanted to devour a carton of chocolate ice cream due to sadness. James and I knew that we wanted to enjoy married life before bringing a baby into the mix but we also knew that with my PCOS a baby would take time. So we threw precaution to the wind (by that i mean my nuva ring and the little wooden box that housed the condoms) and just went for the gold....for over 3 years. I never tried to stress about it. I didn't check my temp, I didn't make sex all about pregnancy and I didn't put a lot of pressure on myself or James. I just let it happen. This went on for longer than we expected. 

Things really started to get rough for us almost a year and a half ago. Things had gotten bad, really bad, like I was living with my sister bad. I thought it was over. I had more than failed as a wife, I didn't deserve a second chance but I got one and it changed my life. James and I decided to pick up the pieces and fit them back together. I will never forgot the moment he told me that no matter what happened between us, his regret would be that we never had a baby. That even if we weren't together I was the person he wanted to mother his children. I think that's when I realized how much this issue was weighing on us. I took action. I had been seeing a horrible doctor who wasn't any help to our situation. He sucked. A lot. So after Ericka told me all about Gildy, I knew I had to see him. I knew that he was what we were looking for. After lots of work in our relationship, James and I decided it was sink or swim and by golly we wanted swimmers...lots of them...racing towards my uterus. 

I called G's office (which was the same office that the horrible doctor worked for) and begged them to let me switch. I was elated when I was given the go ahead. Gildner decided the best option for me was to try Clomid and just like that, Parker was created. I will never forget how disappointed I was even when I did my ovulation tests. You do several in the month and you KNOW that only 1-2 will show a faint positive but seeing all the negatives just brought me back to that horrible place that every girl who deals with this issue is way to familiar with. The day I had a positive read on my ovulation test I straight up told my boss that I was leaving work as soon as I closed up shop because I had to go home and have sex with my husband. Thank God I did. 

Fast forward a few weeks. It's 3 or 4 in the morning and James and I are going at it (not in the kinky way). I don't think I'd ever been so mad in my entire life. Thinking back, I have no clue why we were fighting. I think the stress had just taken over. I was nuts. I finally fell asleep (still livid) and I woke up 3 hours later. I was wide awake, I jumped out of bed and thought back in how crazy I had been just hours before. I knew it then. I didn't need the test. In fact I wouldn't have taken it if I wasn't sure. I knew something about me had to have been different in order for me to be THAT crazy. There is was...the positive I had waited so long to see.

HELL YES, POSITIVE!

 

 James and I decided to go ahead and share the good news. I didn't want to wait the suggested time frame. I knew it was a risk but I thought that if anything were to happen I didn't know if I would be strong enough to do all this again so I wanted to celebrate every single moment of my baby's life. It's not for everyone, but I'm glad we told people when we did. I've been beyond blessed with many supportive friends and family. 

It wasn't until after I was pregnant that I realized my infertility frustrations didn't just end. I figured since I was pregnant, it wouldn't bother me anymore. Wrong. I still get pissy when I see people with these beautiful children and they say things like "if you don't shut up, I'm gonna beat your ass" or hearing about people aborting the one thing that I would have done anything to have. It's still an open wound and I think it always will be. It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I stopped stressing about losing my son. I know every mother does this, and i cant say for sure, but i think its more intense when you've dealt with years of infertility. I was so terrified that something would happen and Parker wouldn't make it. 

I decided that I didn't want to let the fear stop me from enjoying this time so I did what every mom does, I bought my baby all the best stuff my money could buy and acted like nothing could go wrong. I've been very lucky to have had zero complications and a big healthy baby thus far. It's been a long hard journey that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. At the end of the day I honesty believe the best thing anyone can do in this situation is just try to relax (and put a pillow under your hips after sex when you're ovulating) It's hard and the emotional battles are terrible, BUT, stress will only add to the mess. As much as it pains me to say, I'm glad it didn't happen earlier. Me being pregnant and having a baby before this very moment wasn't part of the plan. I have been able to enjoy 6 years of "selfish" time with my husband and it's been a great 6 years. 

James and I on our wedding day 

Update: I'm horrible with getting things done on time. Since I wrote this, I have given birth to the sweetest, most darling little boy I have ever seen. I was blessed with a quick and "easy" delivery. (Easy in comparison to several other deliveries I know of, but its never really easy)

Parker Miles Rundgren Ferry
September 30, 2012
7lbs, 8oz 21inches

 

call me cheap! (my favorite money-savers)

Honestly, David and are not at the top of anyone's "most frugal families" list.  We make impulse purchases for ourselves and much more frequent, more impulsive purchases for Anna.

(Confession: I am addicted to babysteals.com. Twice a day, at 9&9 they reveal a "steal" that is generally 55% or better off retail value. I can't even tell you how much worthless junk  totally necessary things I have bought that Anna has NEEDED) Sweet. sweet David has tried to put me on a monthly BS budget but I just can't deal with it.  Not because I don't respect him trying to put limits on me, but because I'm so good at convincing me first, then him that we simply cannot survive without the 2-pack Kid Kizoo coolies.  

After all, how can I expect the milk (that Anna never drinks) to stay cold (I use insulated cups) for long enough without them???

But the truth is, we have fallen on more frugal times these last few months.  I've been going to school and we are living off David's income.  We are by no means poverty-stricken but we have had to be more judicious in some of our spending and I wanted to blog about some of the things that I choose not to spend more money on.

1. Make-up

I've never been too interested in make-up and that's a good thing because when I go into Sephora, I could easily spend several hundred bones on just a few pieces.  

My sister, Eva, has a theory which I totally agree with.  She says "mascara is usually the only thing I wear so I feel ok about investing in a good tube"

Together, we can comment on every brand available.  We've tried them all, from Revlon to Dior but I have to say that Wet'n'Wild MegaLength  mascara from Dollar General is my favorite.  I see no difference between that $2 tube and a $30 tube.

2. Diapers

We use cloth diapers here at the Hine House!!! I never intended on converting Anna, but I did when she was about 6 months old.  I saw a Steal (surprise!) one day and that 60% off price got me all dizzy and I ordered 2 cloth diapers and got hooked!

I want to say that cloth diapers can come with a HUGE start-up cost.  There are all kinds of brands and styles that can run from just a few bucks to $25 per diaper. I can guess that I've invested about $250 into cloth diapering but we're down to using maybe 2-3 disposable diapers a week.  Cloth diapering is easier and cleaner than you think and we are thrilled that every time we use cloth, we are keeping those nasty disposables out of the landfills.

3. Laundry

Everyone should do this.  Everyone! Laundry soap is such a ripoff!!

It's been a long time since any Tide as been at our house.  We switched years ago to eco-friendly laundry soap but got fed up quickly at the price and brand availability.  So....I found a recipe and started to make my own!

1 bar of soap (Fels Naphta or other) grated and dissolved into 4 cups of boiling water

1/2 cup Borax (found in any department store in the laundry/cleaning section)

1 cup washing soda (if you are around Springfield, I could only find this a ShopnSave...weird. Also, baking soda and washing soda are NOT the same thing)

1 5-gallon bucket (found in any hardware store)

Fill your bucket with 3 gallons of water, add in your Borax and washing soda and stir, pour in the melted soap mixture and stir again.  Pop on the bucket lid and leave it overnight and guess what....you're done!!!

It's so easy and cheap to do this!  If you have to buy everything, you'll spend about $10-15 and that will last you a year I bet!  It's safe for HE washers too.  If you want to, you can add a few drops of scented oil to give it a nice smell.  It looks like snot but it works great!

4. Goodwill

This is one that I still am working on, but when I do it, I can't imagine doing anything different.

I hate spending a lot of money on clothes for Anna.  True, I have been places and saw a $25 shirt that was too cute to pass up but for the most part, I shop second-hand for my babe.

There are lots of consignment stores in town and I've been in them all but let me tell ya, you guys....if you think you are saving $$$ by hitting consignment stores, you may want to cruise by the Goodwill in Chatham. I have found way nicer things there and cheaper too than the consignment stores.  And consistently, may I add!  And I don't feel like losing my shit if she stains something :)

5. Childcare

Make sure you live close to your family so you don't have to pay babysitters!

(THANK YOU to ALL our family members!!!!!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!) 

6. Diva Cup

***EXTREME GROSS-OUT***

***EWWWWW!!!!!!!***

***PERIOD TALK!!!***

I was frequenting my all-time favorite baby store in STL, Cotton Babies.  Dave and I were just browsing and I saw this thing on the shelf...a Diva Cup.  What is a Diva Cup you ask?  It is a small silicone cup that girls can use when it's P-time.  

After I had Anna, I was having a hard time using tampons.  They were uncomfortable and my first several periods post-baby were DISGUSTING...clotty and very heavy bleeding.  I'd use both a super tampon and a regular pad and I'd bleed through it all in 2 hours.  My bathroom looked like a crime scene. I lost 2 pairs of sheets.

So I saw this Diva Cup and thought I'd give it a try and I LOVE it.  It's not difficult to get in or out and when I use it, I can't tell that it's there at all.  Per product advertisement, it can be worn up to 12 hours at a time and though I've never left it in that long, I have left it in for 5+ hours with no problem or leaks.  It's reusable and doesn't contain any harsh chemicals.

They are sold in 2 sizes, determining factor is if you've had a baby or not.

They are about $35 which is a little $$$ compared to a box of Tampax but worth the investment!!  I haven't bought a box of tampons for 6 months!!

www.divacup.com

hormones, depression and all those other things no one likes to talk about

Fyi, I'm writing this through tears today.  Just one of those days...

So last night, something very great happened.  My sister Eva had her baby boy and it was amazing to see him come into the word.  She has not yet shared a picture of him so I won't either but take my word for it, he is very adorable and tiny and adorable.  Very adorable.

I don't know what ya'll do when someone in your family has a baby but in our family it's an all day event.  We selfishly occupy every seat in the Memorial waiting room.  We're loud, we order pizza, we play games.  We get there early in the morning and stay until the baby is born, love on the newest member of our family then go home.  So last night on our drive home, Dave and I were talking about how cute Parker is and Dave says to me "come on, holding him didn't make you want another baby?" That's his thing now, he's ready for another and I am, well, not.

As usual, I want to be honest about the matters I blog about but this subject is at the top of my scary list so please don't make fun of me.
Also, I'm going to talk about my period now so leave if you want.

I totally had the baby blues in the hospital the first few days after Anna was born.  I cried because I had to move into a different room and cried when I got the new room because the nurses had witnessed my first breakdown when they came to help me move and put a picture frame in the new room to cheer me up.  I cried when Dave's parents called to ask if they could bring Panera soup up to the room for us.  I cried when Anna cried because I had, on accident, caught some of her skin between a shirt snap when we were getting her dressed to go home.  I cried in the car the entire way home because I didn't want Dave to go back to work in a week.  I cried when any home visitors hugged me, made me dinner or asked if I needed anything.

I

WAS

A

M E S S

Then when Anna was about 2 weeks old....poof! It just stopped.  I felt normal, I felt like I was the mom that dreams were made of and Anna was a golden child who was the absolute picture of perfection.  We lived the simple, happy life for a long time.  Anna was (and still is) an amazing sleeper.  She slept all night long from the get-go.  She woke up a handful of times, had a bottle and went right back to sleep.  Not bad for a breastfed baby, eh?  I was a pumping champ, always stayed right on schedule and had an amazing supply.  

Then winter hit (figuratively and literally speaking) 6 months later

I had a bad week that week.  No particular reason.  I was on my way to work one morning and was just thinking how shitty I felt and that I'd rather skip work.  I stopped by my mom's house so she could watch Anna for the day.  Just like every mom, all my mom had to do was take one look at me and knew there was something upsetting me and asked what was wrong and I lost it on her.  Crying, wailing, choking sobs and all.  I called work, told them I was not coming and hung out at my mom's house.  Nothing is better than your momma when you don't feel well...even when you're 30.

I had a true anxiety attack when it was time for me to head home at the end of the day.  I can't say why but I was scared to go home.  Dave took good care of me though, don't worry.  I went to sleep that night and tried to put a bad day behind me.

I woke up the next morning and just cried and cried and cried.  As soon as my eyes were open.  I couldn't get out of bed that morning.  Dave stayed home from work, he was scared and worried about me and honestly I was worried too.  I was in such a bad place mentally because I had no idea what was wrong with me.  You would have thought that my baby died.  We both figured it was post-partum depression.  Dave called my doctor and made me an appointment to talk about medication options.  

I was limited on what I could take because I was still breastfeeding and Zoloft is what I tried.  I took it for about 2 months and took myself off (NOT ADVISABLE) a little at a time.  It did nothing but make me feel like I was emotionally flatlined. No thanks, not for me.

And then, to my surprise, I got my first post baby period.  It was about 1-2 weeks after my complete can't-get-out-of-bed mental breakdown.  I wasn't expecting it because I was still nursing but there it was and I tell ya, it was a real bitch!  I called my OB because I knew I was hemorrhaging.     (I wasn't)

I talked to other girls and some had experienced really horrible ones like I had and some didn't.  I think it's important to note that when offered birth control pills at my 4-week PP visit, I DECLINED.  I think normal, sane girls get on something fairly soon after baby is born but I happen to think bcp's are horrible and unless I needed to take them to save my life, I steer clear.

My point is ( I think I still have one) that I still think that my hormones are wildly out of wack.  Thanks to a period tracker app, I'm starting to see a pattern of very very bad PMS (mood swings, depression, anxiety)  about 1 week before my period comes.  And though I stopped nursing in April, I still get the occasional milk leak. To me, that's just one more sign that maybe I don't feel normal because my body is indeed not back to normal.  This is all very frustrating to me because most of the time, my behavior is about 35-40% anxiety-based which means that not only do I feel like garbage, I have these worries that I will always feel like garbage.

Now I'm going to bring ya full circle.

Dave is ready for another baby.  And let me tell you, I have the cream of the crop when it comes to having an excellent partner in this parenting thing.  Dave is hands down the best dad ever, I know everyone thinks that theirs is better and that's fine with me....you can still tell your husband he is the best but KNOW that mine tops yours :) 

But I'm not ready.  I don't know if I will ever be because I am terrified of being the sobbing, worried, weeping mother to another baby.  I think babies deserve physically and mentally healthy moms and I just don't think that I'm there yet.

If you like to pray or sing songs or think happy thoughts, please remember me the next time you do.  It is an absolutely hard place to be where I am.  And anyone that you know who is going through the same thing would appreciate it too.