My arrogance wasn't completely uncalled for: I was, after all, the big sister to 3 siblings, one of them born when I was 11. I babysat for countless families with children of all age ranges and continued to do so until I was 29. It was completely true, I knew a thing or two about how to take care a baby.
Well, my delivery date came and went. I had my 4 teary-eyed days and got on with it.
I didn't struggle much as a parent those first 5 months. Sure, I'd feel myself getting worked up when so-and-so's baby rolled over, sat up, got a tooth, etc. before mine did. But it was clear that Anna was happy and healthy (even if she REFUSED to roll over even though I knew she could) and I never dwelled on it much.
I, like most moms, did have a snapping point and it was when Anna was ready for solid foods. I became an absolute nervous wreck!
I don't know exactally what it was about solid foods that send me into a panic but I found myself seriously having to rely on the advise of others to be confident about my decisions about what, how, when to feed my girl. And that's when I started getting involved in mom groups, and that's where I found trouble.
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Obviously there are millions of moms out there who do things a million different way but I was not prepared to see so much judgement and isolation among my peers because of the ways we parent our kids.
I'm not innocent, I've said things to other mom's that I should have thought twice about saying and have thought things like:
You aren't even going to try to breastfeed? Well, that's selfish!
Seriously, can't she put in the extra effort to make fresh baby food?
An elective C-Section?? You know that's a huge mistake, right?
I have let other mom's hurt me by their words. Even though tell myself that this person doesn't know me, doesn't know my heart or my good intentions, I still get upset because no mother likes to be told by anyone that they are not doing the best for their kids.
No matter how many "Stop the Mommy Wars!" campaigns I see, I feel like we are still standing on opposite sides of the fence because "best" is always objective and we can't move past our own opinions. We say "Let's get along" but mean "I will tolerate your ignorance"
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About a year ago, A pregnant friend of mine were talking when she mentioned that she wanted to keep and process her placenta to make vitamins for herself. As she was chattering away about the benefits of this, all I could think was what a disgusting idea! I mean, that's the most gross thing I have ever heard of! It troubled me for weeks, I had to reconcile the idea it for myself in order to make peace with the thought and soon remembered my old guinea pig from childhood that gave birth to a litter and then started to eat one of them...
My mom came running when I yelled and explained that she was not eating a baby, she was eating her placenta.
Animals are the most instinctual beings on the planet and if my guinea pig found it acceptable to eat her placenta well then my friend could do the same and I wouldn't hold it against her.
Animals can teach us a lot about parenting too. For example:
*A mom polar bear is a single parent and she still does a rockin' job without her babydaddy
*Dad penguins stay home with the babies while mom goes to work
*Kangaroos are the ultimate babywearers: joeys are carried for 6 months straight
*Orangutans sleep with their mom for 7 years
*Some species of seals only nurse for 4 days
If we are different, we are only different because, like in the animal kingdom, not every mom was given the same instincts. And that doesn't mean that one is inferior to the other! I wish that as a mommy community we would stop judging each other and assuming that we are in need of each other's enlightenment when it's obvious that our opinions and comments are not being asked for, especially when they are offensive. No matter how differently we were raised, I bet all of OUR mommas told us "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and we'd all do well to remember that we should be seeking to build each other up, not tear each other down. I need to do a better job of reminding myself of this and I'm going to remind you too:
God gave you your children because only you (your personality and instincts) could do it the right way for your them and no one has the right or authority to tell you you are doing it wrong!
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