my infertility story

In the wake of Anna's first birthday, it seems to be a good time to share my infertility story.
But first, my beautiful girl

Happy Birthday, Anna Elizabeth Hine! Born August 18, 2011 at 1:24am 6lbs 14oz and 20 inches of adorable, kissable cuteness

Every frustration, tear shed, fight with David, and internal struggle was worth it.  She's definitely the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!

So surprise, surprise David and I were sleeping together long before we were married.  Sorry, mom.  We were both in our later 20's, knew we were going to get married and neither one of us opposed the idea of having a baby...now so we threw caution (that means condoms! HA!) to the wind.

One year later, nothing. (except getting engaged)
Two years later, nothing. (except getting married)
I decided to go talk to my OB/GYN.  He was no help, told me I was not infertile and to start some birth control.  Now, I haven't graduated from med school but I think birth control works against getting pregnant.....
Thanks for nothing, you ass.
I starting going to my other dr, Dr. Google and read up on infertility and herbal supplements that encourage pregnancy, changed my diet and starting walking every day to eliminate some of the stress that I knew was building up over this baby thing.
Year three, nothing.

I do want to say that obviously, after 3 years of trying to get pregnant, the idea of infertility treatments came up several times between David and I.  Certainly we had put in our time trying and would have no trouble being referred by PCP but I could never figure out how I felt about medical intervention at that level.  I knew that the Lord was very much aware of our desire to have a baby and felt very drawn to and spoken to to wait.  To have faith in a plan that is much better than my own, even though it was definitely not going to happen on my timetable.  I talked to many, many people about what I was feeling in regards to treatment and as it turns out, may friends had gone through their own fertility treatments and I was happy for them!  They made decisions that they were very comfortable with and got beautiful babies.  It just wasn't something for David and I.

I did all the same things that someone who is trying to get pregnant does.  I took about 5 pregnancy tests a month (because I refused to believe that I was really getting my period...I mean, there is a chance that it's implantation bleeding!) and stared at an obviously negative test, willing it to be positive.  I cried when David didn't want to have sex, I cried when someone came into the office to get a blood test to confirm pregnancy, I cried watching all the baby shows on tv.  I was very, uh...emotional.  To say the least.

In December of 2010, I planned a trip to Chicago for David's birthday.  The night before we left, I remembered that I was supposed to start my period several days ago and had not yet.  I ran up to the store to buy a test and thought "YES!!!! I'm finally pregnant, it's a great time to find out! I'll tell Dave in Chicago and he'll be so happy and we'll walk the snow-covered sidewalks mitten in mitten and life is going to be GRAND!!"

big.fat.negative.

I lost my shit.  I had done this for too long, been disappointed over too many tests, tired of wondering if David would still love me if I wasn't going to be able to have the family we both wanted so bad, tried of everyone asking when we were going to have kids. 
I drove to the gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes and sat outside my front door and cried my little heart out.
We left for Chicago the next morning and we had an awful time.  I was pissed and crabby and kept picking fights with Dave.  It was freezing cold, neither of us packed enough warm things to wear.  It was hands down, the most awful time we had together.

A week later, I still had not started.  We were at the grocery store and I asked David if I should buy another test.  He sighed that heavy sigh which I knew meant "it's going to be negative, it's always negative and I can't deal with you being disappointed one more time because I might murder your overly-emotional ass"  but said to get it.

That night, I found out I was pregnant.

The rest is history, the rest is Anna and I can't believe that I have a 1-year old.  Infertility was a huge struggle for us.  It tested both of our patients and it tested our marriage in many ways.  If I had to do it all over again (who says I won't have to anyway!?) I would be more open about it.  I didn't like to talk about my inability to get pregnant because I thought it would bring more pressure into the situation or worse...pity.  I would take more time to focus on the things I already had...a great husband and the freedom to do what we wanted when we wanted to do it without having to find a sitter.  Infertility also made my faith stronger and taught me how to listen to God and wait for His blessings.  And He brought us only the cutest!