AnnaDisaster (gross out)

I go into Anna's room this morning when I hear that she is awake from her morning nap.  I smelled it before I saw it.

My MacGyver of a child took off her diaper (when??? I don't know...) and was happy as a clam that she had done so.  

The real problem I had with this was not the mess.  Very little grosses me out and I just rolled up the whole damn thing and threw it in the trash.  This is my problem:

Moms of the world-
You may feel like a bad parent today for all kinds of reasons.  But I want you to take comfort in the fact that no matter how horribly you think you might have failed today, at least you were not on watch while your kid rolled around in her own shit for 2 hours.

The 30-year-old student

In 2 weeks, I will no longer have a job
In 4 weeks, I will be a full-time student for the first time in 8 years

I don't exactally remember when the idea of school came up between Dave and I.  Probably when I was pregnant.  Being pregnant makes the brain think all kinds of insane thoughts like: "I should quit my job and go to school!"  But here I am, spending my last several days at work and making sure that my exit will be an easy transition for everyone. 

I'm terrified on many levels: Will we be able to make ends meet on one income?  Will I be able to keep up with my school work and my responsibilities at home and excel at both?  Am I sure that I've picked a career that I will be happy with for years to come?  How am I going to pass my math classes?

All these things aside, I am really looking forward to this change.  Anna and I will have more time together on the days I don't have class!  Also, the chances of her getting a higher education are going to be better if both of her parents have done the same and I'm going to need her to take care of my old, decrepit ass so she better be making the bucks because momma doesn't do nursing homes.

I'm very excited and looking forward to this change.  It's going to be a big adjustment (financially, mostly) but it will be so worth it in the end! 

Now what color backpack should I buy...

    

Fifty Shades of Grey (is a little smut ok?)

I confess, I...like every 3rd woman on the planet, have indulged in the Fifty Shades trilogy.

I don't have much to say about the story it's self.  Essentially it is a very poorly written series about a young and unassuming girl who meets a rich, good-looking guy who owns his own company, can make girls come on demand and of course has a huge package ( or "impressive length" as the book describes it ).

This book has no sense of reality to it and and I'd hate it if I didn't love the absurdity of it.  But since I swore an oath to myself to be honest and open about such matter, I admit that about halfway through the second book I noticed that things in my own bedroom had gotten a little more interesting.  Which made me wonder...is a little smut ok?

Anyone who has been married any significant amount of time can feel my pain when I say that things have gotten a little ho-hum.  Gone are those early days of cutsey outfits, massages, candles, Maxwell's Pretty Wings.  (Oh, and freshly shaven legs.)

Now it's more along the lines of this:

me: I'm tired, are you tired?
him: Not too tired.  Why? You want to do it?
me: I guess we can.


I was raised in a christian home, was a total youth group kid, went to a christian university and still attend church today on a regular basis and I was always taught that porn was wrong and I don't know..maybe it really is a slippery slope and my confession is that I feel bad that I don't feel bad about bringing it into my bedroom.  Maybe I'm too naive and this thing is going to come back and bite me in the butt down the road but we have on occasion used porn to bring a new element to our relationship...is that so wrong?

I have questioned my desire to stay married

Lately I have been obsessed with a song by Birdy called "skinny love"

(YES, I know it's a Bon Iver cover.)

It's a beautiful, beautiful song and if you have never listened to it then you should do it right now.  I can wait.  Actually just open YouTube and listen while you read.  It will be very romantic that way.  And I will try very hard to only type 3 minutes and 15 seconds worth of material so there will be no awkward silence.  Or you could listen to it twice...you have plenty of options.

Usually I don't think much about the music I'm listening to but when I heard "skinny love" I paid very close attention to the lyrics because they were so heartbreaking and communicated something very personal for me. There is a part of the song that goes like this:

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

I think this song must be about a relationship that is barely hanging on by a thread and I can definitely identify with that.

I know that there have been many times in the span of our relationship that David and I have completly broken down on each other and wondered if we were truly compatible, if we jumped into things too quickly, or if our issues were even fixable.  I have questioned my desire to be married to Dave, I have packed a suitcase and called a friend to say I was going to spend a few nights on her couch.

(Funny side note, I called my best girlfriend Beth once when Dave and I had a fight and she said that of course I could come and stay but it could only be for a night becasue she liked Dave too much and wanted me to go home and work it out)

I think my confession of this might be a surprise for some people.  I'm not bragging about anything here, (because what people say is not true most of the time) but Dave and I hear all.the.time how cute we are, how sweet we are, and how good we are together.  Sometimes it IS true!  But sometimes our marriage is just holding on by a wish and a prayer and I want to punch whoever says that stuff to me in the throat.

 There have been extraordinarily hard days where one or both of us has wanted to walk away for good.  Looking back, I can't even say how we managed to get through it, but I'm glad that we did because I just don't think I would do very well without him.

sister wives

God, I love reality tv shows.  There are many that I am loyal to but Sister Wives on TLC in by far my favorite.  The show follows the Brown family (Kody and his 3 wives...Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn and all 900 of their kids) as they find out how to make life work as a polygamist family in Las Vegas.  It's a trainwreck and I ADORE watching it all go down.  This show really brings out the pious side of me and it also makes me incredibly sad sometimes.  My girlfriend Beth was over one day and we were watching an episode and she says "you know, I really wouldn't mind that." Beth is cray.
We did talk about it at length and decided that it wouldn't be half bad if WE were sister wives.  But this would be easy because I already love Beth and we would probably abandon our relationship with our husband because we'd have each other (except when one of us needed some sweet lovin' and you better believe we'd gossip about it later unlike those prudes on the show.)

But honestly, I just don't get it!  There is no way that that man can truly fulfill all 4 of those relationships on any level that has even a slightest resemblance of a marriage.  Marriage is hard enough for Dave and I alone and we only have each other to contend with!  We get on each other's nerves constantly. He pisses me off and I know that I can be a pain in the ass.  We are both very stubborn, I'm selfish, he closes down.  That's the way we are and I know we are not alone.  We may not have the ability to make our everyday relationship feel as new and exciting as it was 5 years ago when we'd make out at every red stoplight but we have something greater, at least I feel like it's pretty great and that's the mutual understanding that marriage is not a hand in hand walk on the beach at sunset  I dropped those expectations on our honeymoon after I realized that we were not going to be having a mind-blowing romantic trip filled with "I never want to leave this room amazing sex" but instead daily bickering about God only knows what.  I remember being frosty with him for an entire day because he knew how to kayak and I didn't and I'm pretty sure he left me behind to drown...

 We know that every day, every single day, we have to spend intentional time with each other or we will absolutely fall apart at the seams.  Marriage is hard work that needs attention on a daily basis...not just when you get a turn in the weekly wife rotation.


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Hello, my name is Ericka

I wanted to start this blog for several reasons

My self-righteous reason: when I was pregnant, I read lots of books.  Most of them delt with pregnancy/childbirth/motherhood in a very heavenly, romantic sort of way.  But I want to tell the truth (at least from my perspective) about all those things and the truth is that well, being a parent kind of sucks sometimes and I don't think enough people talk about that and I want to and I happen to think that I can do it with grace, honesty, and with a little humor

My lazy reason: trying to start a working mom's MOPS group takes up too much time right now

My hidden agenda reason: blogging kind of makes me feel like Carrie Bradshaw


In all honesty, after I became a mom I realized that there were lots of things that no one told me about.  And I went through a couple of rough months of being a freaked out mess because I didn't know what I was doing and didn't have many other mom friends that I felt comfortable talking to.  Being a parent really is a wonderful thing but it can also be a real disaster and I just hope that other struggling parents will be able to see that they are not alone. 

I want to be able to talk about all those things that don't get much mention so if you are offended by talk of blood, sex, poop, money or Jesus then read someone else's parenting blog.  I'm not your "coupon tricks" or "craft ideas" kind of gal.  And if you can relate to that, then check me out! ( I swear, I will give $10 to the person who can tell me the song that that line is from.  Excluding Emilie and Eva. It will be a welcome to my blog game. NO CHEATING!)