Infertility: guest blogger Nicole Sivak

It's infertility coffee hour over here at MommyDisaster.  Unfortunately infertility has been a major obstacle in many of my friend's journey to mommyhood.  Fortunately some have decided to share their struggles via blog.  I asked them to share because infertility is devastating and incredibly isolating yet has a way of bonding together those of us who have braved it.
Nicole is and always will be one of my best friends so it was only natural that I ask her to share a little bit about where she is with infertility.  I'm thankful for her honestly on the subject.
--mommyd.

(this photo belongs to Trevor Miller.  It was used without his permission and for that I am sorry)

I got married a little over a year ago.  We decided to start trying for a baby as soon as the rings were on.  I figured I would be pregnant by August.I made long term plans with baby in mind.  Can't plan a vacation I might be pregnant, pretty crazy I know.   I was not on the pill, I hadn't missed a period since I was a teen, I didn't even consider there would be an issue. Month after month nothing.  I made an appointment with Dr.Gildner who unlike my current OBGYN dealt with fertility.  The month before my appt I tracked my ovulation and never got a reading. Dr.Gildner went into great depths about what could be wrong, and what he didn't think was wrong. Basically he did not think PCOS was the issue and anything else would need further testing and started me on Clomid to help with ovulating. Being as Dr. Gildner saw no visable issues I once again assumed I would be pregnant after a cycle or two.  I knew others with success on this medication.  My first cycle came and went,  I was put on the same dosage the next cycle the same.  Side note ** I stated previously how I was never on birth control, this is because the two times I was on birth control I went CRAZY!  I became insane, emotional, and a raging beast of a woman.  Clomid, was like birth control x100.  I was the defintion of HOT MESS and becase I am an emotional eater I gained weight.  I wish I could go into detail the number of times I would just break down and cry at the most inappropriate times.There was also hot flashes and nausea to add to the fun.  So of course after 3 rounds went unsuccessful I was thrilled to get a double dose for my fourth.  After the double dosage I was pretty much over clomid. i I decided to stop taking it and try to lose weight. instead.  I am on month 15 of trying to get pregnant and still do not know what is wrong or what the next step is.

We never got an ovulation reading sometimes a faint line but nothing showing that the clomid was working for sure.  I have had some pretty bad days, thinking maybe that faint line was all it took, hoping every month that finally we would have our positive.  The negatives got harder and harder.    I said I would give myself three months of not "trying".  That lasted one month and I decided I wanted to try again.  I then called the fertility clinic and made John an appointment to get a seman anaylsis.  I may have been an emotional wreck for four months but my husband really proved himself when he did something personal in a somewhat public area. We waited a week on edge and after a cruel call from his doctor saying he needed to get more info he would call back tomorrow, Apparently John Sivak is the king of swimmers and has an impressive count.   I made an appointment for October to further discuss my options and next step. 

 I still have hope. I still look at baby names, pin nurseries on pintrest, and think of birth plans.  The scary part is I don't know...  so until we either get pregnant or run lots of tests all I have is hope.  I try not to think of what the next step is if this doesn't work out.  We aren't wealthy we can't do expensive treatments or out of country adoptions. It is very hard though. I get a nudge of jealousy when I hear another person at work is pregnant.  I come up with clever one liners when people ask the baby question. Sometimes people will say "just have more sex" or "when you stop trying that is when it will happen".  Let me give it to you straight readers of Ericka's blog,  when someone is having trouble having a baby unless you have well researched advice or speak from real experience just say something nice like. "you will be a great mom one day". It is a sensative issue.  I apologize to my dear friend Ericka for all the times I told her HAVE A BABY!!!  It is a rough road and sometimes my husband doesn't even understand my sadness it is just different for girls.  So if you know someone just listen to them when they DO want to talk.   I am lucky. I have a wonderful husband who won't give up and a best friend who can offer me valueable advice.  I can't wait to till the day when she is giving me advice on motherhood.