my infertility story

In the wake of Anna's first birthday, it seems to be a good time to share my infertility story.
But first, my beautiful girl

Happy Birthday, Anna Elizabeth Hine! Born August 18, 2011 at 1:24am 6lbs 14oz and 20 inches of adorable, kissable cuteness

Every frustration, tear shed, fight with David, and internal struggle was worth it.  She's definitely the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!

So surprise, surprise David and I were sleeping together long before we were married.  Sorry, mom.  We were both in our later 20's, knew we were going to get married and neither one of us opposed the idea of having a baby...now so we threw caution (that means condoms! HA!) to the wind.

One year later, nothing. (except getting engaged)
Two years later, nothing. (except getting married)
I decided to go talk to my OB/GYN.  He was no help, told me I was not infertile and to start some birth control.  Now, I haven't graduated from med school but I think birth control works against getting pregnant.....
Thanks for nothing, you ass.
I starting going to my other dr, Dr. Google and read up on infertility and herbal supplements that encourage pregnancy, changed my diet and starting walking every day to eliminate some of the stress that I knew was building up over this baby thing.
Year three, nothing.

I do want to say that obviously, after 3 years of trying to get pregnant, the idea of infertility treatments came up several times between David and I.  Certainly we had put in our time trying and would have no trouble being referred by PCP but I could never figure out how I felt about medical intervention at that level.  I knew that the Lord was very much aware of our desire to have a baby and felt very drawn to and spoken to to wait.  To have faith in a plan that is much better than my own, even though it was definitely not going to happen on my timetable.  I talked to many, many people about what I was feeling in regards to treatment and as it turns out, may friends had gone through their own fertility treatments and I was happy for them!  They made decisions that they were very comfortable with and got beautiful babies.  It just wasn't something for David and I.

I did all the same things that someone who is trying to get pregnant does.  I took about 5 pregnancy tests a month (because I refused to believe that I was really getting my period...I mean, there is a chance that it's implantation bleeding!) and stared at an obviously negative test, willing it to be positive.  I cried when David didn't want to have sex, I cried when someone came into the office to get a blood test to confirm pregnancy, I cried watching all the baby shows on tv.  I was very, uh...emotional.  To say the least.

In December of 2010, I planned a trip to Chicago for David's birthday.  The night before we left, I remembered that I was supposed to start my period several days ago and had not yet.  I ran up to the store to buy a test and thought "YES!!!! I'm finally pregnant, it's a great time to find out! I'll tell Dave in Chicago and he'll be so happy and we'll walk the snow-covered sidewalks mitten in mitten and life is going to be GRAND!!"

big.fat.negative.

I lost my shit.  I had done this for too long, been disappointed over too many tests, tired of wondering if David would still love me if I wasn't going to be able to have the family we both wanted so bad, tried of everyone asking when we were going to have kids. 
I drove to the gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes and sat outside my front door and cried my little heart out.
We left for Chicago the next morning and we had an awful time.  I was pissed and crabby and kept picking fights with Dave.  It was freezing cold, neither of us packed enough warm things to wear.  It was hands down, the most awful time we had together.

A week later, I still had not started.  We were at the grocery store and I asked David if I should buy another test.  He sighed that heavy sigh which I knew meant "it's going to be negative, it's always negative and I can't deal with you being disappointed one more time because I might murder your overly-emotional ass"  but said to get it.

That night, I found out I was pregnant.

The rest is history, the rest is Anna and I can't believe that I have a 1-year old.  Infertility was a huge struggle for us.  It tested both of our patients and it tested our marriage in many ways.  If I had to do it all over again (who says I won't have to anyway!?) I would be more open about it.  I didn't like to talk about my inability to get pregnant because I thought it would bring more pressure into the situation or worse...pity.  I would take more time to focus on the things I already had...a great husband and the freedom to do what we wanted when we wanted to do it without having to find a sitter.  Infertility also made my faith stronger and taught me how to listen to God and wait for His blessings.  And He brought us only the cutest! 

 

Infertility: guest blogger Nicole Sivak

It's infertility coffee hour over here at MommyDisaster.  Unfortunately infertility has been a major obstacle in many of my friend's journey to mommyhood.  Fortunately some have decided to share their struggles via blog.  I asked them to share because infertility is devastating and incredibly isolating yet has a way of bonding together those of us who have braved it.
Nicole is and always will be one of my best friends so it was only natural that I ask her to share a little bit about where she is with infertility.  I'm thankful for her honestly on the subject.
--mommyd.

(this photo belongs to Trevor Miller.  It was used without his permission and for that I am sorry)

I got married a little over a year ago.  We decided to start trying for a baby as soon as the rings were on.  I figured I would be pregnant by August.I made long term plans with baby in mind.  Can't plan a vacation I might be pregnant, pretty crazy I know.   I was not on the pill, I hadn't missed a period since I was a teen, I didn't even consider there would be an issue. Month after month nothing.  I made an appointment with Dr.Gildner who unlike my current OBGYN dealt with fertility.  The month before my appt I tracked my ovulation and never got a reading. Dr.Gildner went into great depths about what could be wrong, and what he didn't think was wrong. Basically he did not think PCOS was the issue and anything else would need further testing and started me on Clomid to help with ovulating. Being as Dr. Gildner saw no visable issues I once again assumed I would be pregnant after a cycle or two.  I knew others with success on this medication.  My first cycle came and went,  I was put on the same dosage the next cycle the same.  Side note ** I stated previously how I was never on birth control, this is because the two times I was on birth control I went CRAZY!  I became insane, emotional, and a raging beast of a woman.  Clomid, was like birth control x100.  I was the defintion of HOT MESS and becase I am an emotional eater I gained weight.  I wish I could go into detail the number of times I would just break down and cry at the most inappropriate times.There was also hot flashes and nausea to add to the fun.  So of course after 3 rounds went unsuccessful I was thrilled to get a double dose for my fourth.  After the double dosage I was pretty much over clomid. i I decided to stop taking it and try to lose weight. instead.  I am on month 15 of trying to get pregnant and still do not know what is wrong or what the next step is.

We never got an ovulation reading sometimes a faint line but nothing showing that the clomid was working for sure.  I have had some pretty bad days, thinking maybe that faint line was all it took, hoping every month that finally we would have our positive.  The negatives got harder and harder.    I said I would give myself three months of not "trying".  That lasted one month and I decided I wanted to try again.  I then called the fertility clinic and made John an appointment to get a seman anaylsis.  I may have been an emotional wreck for four months but my husband really proved himself when he did something personal in a somewhat public area. We waited a week on edge and after a cruel call from his doctor saying he needed to get more info he would call back tomorrow, Apparently John Sivak is the king of swimmers and has an impressive count.   I made an appointment for October to further discuss my options and next step. 

 I still have hope. I still look at baby names, pin nurseries on pintrest, and think of birth plans.  The scary part is I don't know...  so until we either get pregnant or run lots of tests all I have is hope.  I try not to think of what the next step is if this doesn't work out.  We aren't wealthy we can't do expensive treatments or out of country adoptions. It is very hard though. I get a nudge of jealousy when I hear another person at work is pregnant.  I come up with clever one liners when people ask the baby question. Sometimes people will say "just have more sex" or "when you stop trying that is when it will happen".  Let me give it to you straight readers of Ericka's blog,  when someone is having trouble having a baby unless you have well researched advice or speak from real experience just say something nice like. "you will be a great mom one day". It is a sensative issue.  I apologize to my dear friend Ericka for all the times I told her HAVE A BABY!!!  It is a rough road and sometimes my husband doesn't even understand my sadness it is just different for girls.  So if you know someone just listen to them when they DO want to talk.   I am lucky. I have a wonderful husband who won't give up and a best friend who can offer me valueable advice.  I can't wait to till the day when she is giving me advice on motherhood. 

great expectations

I don't know how I'm going to make this post flow well but I'm going to give it my best shot.  So stay with me and try to not get lost.

I'm going to briefly mention 2 things that pertain to my situation...infertility and post-partum depression...but they are only going to be said in passing because I want to devote a separate post to each one of them in the future so stay tuned if you want to be dragged down into those ditches.  I think that they have something to do with my current situation but for the time being, they are salt and pepper to the roast.

I've been able to spend more time at home with Anna the last 2 weeks.  I've been phasing out of my job and that's allowed me to be a stay at home mom for a little while.
The last time I was a stay at home mom, I had just given birth and was enjoying my maternity leave.  I've secretly always wanted to be a housewife.
When you have a baby, everyone and every book says "sleep when your baby sleeps!" I kind of thought that was bullshit.  My house is not immaculate but it is tidy and it didn't get tidy by sleeping all day.  I say when your baby sleeps, you should wash the dishes.
This disposition really helped me stay on top of things after Anna was born.  It was also incredibly easy to do because back then Anna didn't do a damn thing besides lay around and be cute.

Now we fast forward a year.  Anna is nearly 1 and besides being cute, she's figured out how to do all kinds of other amazing things like:

splashing her hands around in the toilet

emptying her lowest dresser drawer

take pictures off the wall

"reorganize" our dvd collection

eat anything left on the carpet

Oh yeah, and play with her own dirty diaper.

I had a very hard time getting pregnant.  It was hard on both of us but I am confident that I took it a bit harder.  I don't think boys want to be dads the way girls want to be moms.  So I had time...a lot of time...to create this picture in my head about how wonderful life was going to be when I had a baby.  For years I added to this expectation.  I was going to have a beautiful, natural birth and breastfeed with ease and grace.  I was going to keep my house looking neat and in place.  I was going to have dinner on the table at 5:30 for my husband and take a family jog each night.  I was going to have the enthusiasm for at least 2 hours of romance 3 night a week minimum and of course do my hair and make-up every single day.  

The cruel thing is that this almost seemed obtainable when I was home the first couple of weeks with Anna.  I wasn't having that hard of a time keeping up.

Which led me to an almost complete nervous breakdown yesterday

When Anna was about 6 months old, I was feeling not great and decided to talk to my doctor.  She said it sounded like I had post-partum and gave me some Zoloft that I quit taking 3 months later because I don't think I was really depressed anyway....I think having a baby really rocks your world and if you don't have days where you feel overwhelmed and shitty then you are a robot.  But anyway, I still have "days" and yesterday was one of them.

Sometimes I feel like a complete failure because I'm still trying to make that idea of parenthood work for me.  

It's not going so well.

7.5 times out of 10, this is what my living room looks like

  

 I don't know if my house will ever been clean again.

I let my baby chew on cat toys

Why? Because if she already has something in her mouth she's much less likely to eat the Cherrios that have been on the floor for at least a week.

We eat out more than we eat in because it's faster
We make it to the Y about twice a week
Remember that part in the first Sex in the City movie where Miranda and Steve are in the bedroom and she says "can't we get it over with?"  I mean really, was that that awful????

This is my life now.  I know that it won't always been this way but it is now and I strive to accept it and love it everyday.